Two surgeries later...

I know I'm lucky for a lot of reasons--my melanoma was caught early; the medical professionals I'm dealing with are excellent.  But I'm not feeling so perky--after my second surgery on Thursday.  The first surgery, on Aug. 28th, went fairly smoothly, and I was proud of myself for staying quieter during the week so the bandage on my face wouldn't fall off.  As with the surgery last year, the doctor did "purse string" stitches, which generally are temporary.  He did that in case the biopsy indicated that he hadn't gotten all the cancer.  But this time he said there was a chance he wouldn't redo the stitching, since he's already pulled up as much of my skin as he could.  My mouth was pulled slightly up at the left corner, but he said gravity would take care of that.  So I was hoping he might decide not the redo the stitches, so I wouldn't have a 2nd week of recovery.

He said he would call me if he got the biopsy results before my appointment on Sept. 4; he didn't call.  Nor did his office call to postpone the follow-up appointment like they did last year when the results weren't back in time.  I had passing thoughts that maybe he didn't get all the cancer, and that's why he didn't call in advance.

The assistant asked if the doctor had called me with the results; I said no.  Further unease.  And when he walked in, I forget how he started, but I could tell he was working up to the bad news.  Which was that there was more cancer and he'd have to do more surgery.  My main thought was, what if he doesn't get it all this time?  The left cheek area of my face is quite splotchy; it's hard to know what is and isn't cancerous.

The second surgery has been tougher.  First, because the local anesthesia shots really hurt.  REALLY hurt.  I think it's partly because at least one shot was near my lip, which may be more sensitive, and perhaps because some shots were going into skin that hadn't yet healed from the first surgery.  And second, because my face still hurts and itches 3 days later.  Seems like facial muscles are affected--I tried to play my flute, and couldn't get a sound.  And had a great amount of pain in the middle of my left cheek.  And this bandage is much larger, and closer to my mouth, so it's much more difficult to eat.  After the first surgery (and the one last year), drinking milkshakes and frappuccinos worked well for the first few days, so I didn't have to chew.  But this time, sucking through a straw hurt quite a bit--through the same mid-cheek area that hurts when I try to play the flute.

I did take a walk today--the assistant told me that was the most I should do for exercise for a week.  I told him I had ridden my exercise bike last week (while recovering from the first surgery); he said it wasn't a good idea to do anything that would raise my heart rate.  I may still ride the bike in a few days, but not pedal very hard, just to get some quad work in.   I'm also lifting weights and doing some yoga.  It's hard to spend 2 weeks without exercise.

This time, he did use the double stitching, in the hopes that the margins would be clean this time.  I'm not sure I could go through this a third time.  At least not a third time in 3 weeks.

Another round...

I got my biopsy results today--melanoma.  Near the same area where I had the surgery to remove melanoma nearly a year ago.  I was hoping it wasn't, of course, and tried powers of positive thinking to tell myself it wasn't cancer.  But think about it--once my doctor took the biopsy last Wednesday, the die was cast.  It either was or wasn't cancer at that point.  No subconscious thinking could change the outcome at that point.

Just as with the last time I got the call with the biopsy results, I could tell the test was positive, from the way it took them a while to get to the results.  I couldn't tell what exactly he said (other than "melanoma")--it was partly his accent, and perhaps partly that my mind was still focused on the word melanoma.  He did say it was in the early stage, and that I should have surgery as soon as possible.  But he didn't say it was "in situ" like the last time.  I think he gave some dimensions (I wouldn't understand that, anyway; the sizes are so small.  And he may have said stage 1.  But I'm not sure.  Probably.

I called the surgery center as soon as I got off the phone with the dermatologist's office, but they said I couldn't schedule the surgery until they received the report from my dermatologist.  This was at 12:30pm; by 3:00pm they still didn't have the report, so I called the dermatologist's office (the guy said "as soon as possible," after all).  He (same guy who gave me the results) said they were busy with patients and hadn't gotten to it.  So much for "as soon as possible".  But soon after I got off the phone, the surgery center called and said they had the report.  They said the first available surgery appointment was August 28--3 weeks from now.  That date actually works well with my schedule, but how do doctors define "as soon as possible"?  I told her I was OK with that date, but did it meet the ASAP definition.  She said yes.  Maybe I'll google and see what the definition of ASAP is when you have stage 1 melanoma.  As I said, at least the date works well with my schedule...

Waiting for Samsung...

I got a gift note from my husband last Christmas that said:  "one tablet".  I figured it would be easy to find a tablet that I liked.  I wanted to get an Android tablet, to be compatible with my phone.   Samsung was supposed to be coming out with new tablets in early spring, and I was willing to wait.

Since early spring, Samsung has come out with at least 3 sets of new tablets--each with ca. 8, 10, and 12-inch screens.  Initially I wanted to get the Samsung Galaxy Tab Pro 10.1.  It first came out in March, I believe--but only in wireless.  The PR announcements said the tablets would be available on the wireless networks, including Verizon, a few months late.

I've waited and waited, and still no Galaxy Tab Pro 10.1 on the Verizon network.  At this point, I've stopped checking the Internet and stopping in at Verizon stores to see when they might come in.  They have no idea.

Meanwhile, Samsung keeps coming out with new sets of tablets--I can't even remember what the latest set is called.  But nothing I want is available on the Verizon wireless network.

And in the meantime, it's starting to look like tablets are becoming passe.  Sales are down, and phones are getting bigger.  People are again buying laptops.

Whatever reason Samsung has for not moving its tablets quickly to the Verizon network, that strategy may have backfired big time.  Seems like the tablet craze came and went, and I never got the chance to get in on the craze before it petered out.

Guess I'll either wait for the next big phone, or get a new laptop.  Or both.

Another biopsy...

It's been nearly a year since my skin cancer surgery, and I was going reflect on how things were going.  And take a photo to see how the scar was progressing.  But I've been noticing that the skin on the left side of my face, near the surgery site, was developing new splotches.  So today, and my 3-month checkup with the dermatologist, she noted that one splotch had gotten bigger and darker, so she did a biopsy.  She measured and will monitor another splotch on my face, as well as one on my clavicle.

She didn't say, but I'm guessing that the odds aren't good--melanomas recur, and the fact that the biopsied splotch is near the original melanoma site can't be a good sign.   I know I'm trying to be more optimistic about things, but this one's hard.

I'll find out in about a week.  If it's melanoma, I'll need surgery again.  Around the same time as last year.  This time I want to avoid having the surgery the day before I go to the beach.  We'll see--depends on the surgeon's schedule...

I stopped by Starbucks on my way home and got an orange mango smoothie.  I thought it would cheer me up.  And I can watch our new kittens fighting with each other.  At least I'm teleworking today; I need to keep the bandage on for 24 hours.

Hasn't Anyone Figured Out What Women Want in Purses?

Why do purse manufacturers still make cellphone pockets?  When was the last time most of us had phones that actually fit in those pockets?  I'm talking Tory Burch Kate Spade Michael Kors Coach--you name it.  I have yet to find a purse with a pouch that will fit my Galaxy S4.  It's not like I'm the only woman who owns a smart phone.  My current purse, a very nice Coach, does have a wider pocket, but it's not deep enough for my smart phone.  So I try to find something else to put in it.  I try keys, but they fall out.  The pocket isn't long enough to fit my glasses.  So there it sits, mostly empty.  The inside zip pocket always has been, and always will, be for lipstick and small compact.  Because no one wants lipstick rolling around loose in her purse--too much risk of smearage.

And did I mention size and weight?  I'm not lugging around a suitcase--it's a purse that should be large enough to hold the following:  Galaxy S4 smartphone; two pairs of glasses (reading and sun); small wallet; keys; lipstick and compact.  And it has to have an outside pocket/pouch for small papers/shopping lists.  THAT'S IT.  Versatile crossbody is best, so I can be hands free, but use a smaller handle when I want.  Most of the small purses are too narrow--they won't fit the phone and glasses (and I have the thinnest glasses possible), and most of rest of the purses are like black holes inside.  Everything clumps together in a deep chasm that requires one to rummage around and find, by feel, what you're looking for.

I've been looking at purses on line and found three I really like--Kate Spade Cobble Hill Little Curtis; Coach MiniBorough; and Coach Madison Chain Crossbody.  Sizes seem manageable--the Coach Madison is narrower, but might work as an evening purse.  It has slits for credit cards, so no need for the small wallet, which saves space.  But back to the Can Purse Makers Please Find Their Way Into the 21st Century:  The Kate Spade Little Curtis (10x8 1/2-5) has "double side pockets" inside.  Message to potential buyer:  these pockets are too small for a smart phone, but we don't care; see if you can figure out why we still insist on having these, and what will fit without falling out.  WE DARE YOU!

 The Coach Mini Borough 9 1/2 x 6 3/4 x 3) has "inside open pockets"--at least they don't call them cellphone pockets.  One pocket looks longer than the other; hard to tell if it's long enough for my 6" phone.  The smaller pocket looks suspiciously like a cellphone-sized pocket.  They don't give the inner pocket dimensions, so this one I would have to test in person.    The third purse, the Coach Madison Chain Crossbody (8 1/2 x 5 1/2) has no depth measurement, which means it's thin.  But because they have 8 pockets for credit cards and other thin items, the interior looks more modern.  The issue will be whether it's wide enough for my phone (which is nearly 1/2 inch thick with the Otterbox case) and two pairs of glasses.  If it's an evening purse, I don't need the keys.  And, OK, maybe not the sunglasses. But I do need the reading glasses.

The Kate Spade has one edge over the Mini Borough--it has an exterior zip pocket (Yay!); the Mini Borough does not (sigh).  The Mini Borough does have multiple zip closures--maybe that will help compensate for the lack of exterior pocket.  The Kate Spade is $100 cheaper, though ($278 vs $378). The smaller Coach Madison Chain Crossbody is $198.

Why can't anyone make the perfect purse?

61 and counting?

I glanced through an article in this week's Health and Science section of the Washington Post, entitled "the Years Lost to Cancer".  I scanned through the list and found melanoma.  The I looked at the column that said "median age at diagnosis and death".  Median age at diagnosis:  61.  That's my age, and the age I was diagnosed with melanoma.  The median age at death?  69.  I didn't look at, or understand, some of the other data.  Like "in millions of years of life lost"--.15 for melanoma.  Too remote and abstract for me.  But age 69 is a real number, and only 8 years away.  OK, they don't say what kind of melanoma diagnosis, and they don't say what percentage of people who get melanoma die from it.  I'm assuming the number 69 refers to:  of those who died from melanoma, the median age was 69.  All the char shows is number of deaths in 2010 (9 thousand) compared to number of new cases (68 thousand).  Those two statistics aren't related; I don't know why they are juxtaposed.

Anyway, part of me assumes I'll live to be about 90, since both my parents did (my mother died 2 months after turning 90, my father 3 months before he would have turned 90).  But then again, neither of them were diagnosed with cancer when they were 61.

Sorely Tested

I know I said this year I would focus on staying positive; on paying attention to the thoughts in my head and gently redirecting them if they turned negative.  But everything fell apart during the crisis.  None of the techniques that work when one is fairly calm worked.  I would meditate, and find myself sobbing partway through the meditation.  Don't think ahead, I told myself.  Don't project dark thoughts into the future.  As the crisis subsided I was a little less panicked, but it threw me.  And now it's hard not to think about when the next crisis would hit.  I was beginning to think there wouldn't be another crisis; beginning to have real hope for the future.  But now we're shaken and are trying to regroup.  I can't tell myself to be positive, because I don't know what that means.  Thinking that everything will work itself out; will be just fine, doesn't work.  So now I tell myself to stay in the moment.  Don't think forward, don't think back.  But it's hard.

Will Black Ever Be Back?

Or, conversely, will people ever get tired of stainless steel appliances?  When we bought our house, I had stainless steel appliances all picked out, after looking through a magazine the builder had given me.  Then I saw an ad for a special cleaner to get off all the fingerprints from the stainless steel appliances...so I reconsidered.  I decided it would be too difficult to keep stainless steel clean, so I opted for black.  Stainless steel was a passing fad, anyway, I told myself.  Too sterile and antiseptic.  People would tire of the look and the upkeep.

That was 12 years ago, and stainless steel still is everywhere.  At least if you believe any magazine that has pictures of kitchens in them.  Occasionally you may see a fridge and/or dishwasher that are covered to match the cabinetry, but the stove/oven are always stainless steel.  And usually Wolf.  I have never seen a kitchen with black appliances in any magazine I've looked at in the past 12 years, at least.

I liked watching the Sopranos, because they had an upscale house and black kitchen appliances.  When was that, the early to mid 2000s?  But we rewatched the entire series recently, and I noticed that at some point, toward the last seasons, the black appliances disappeared.  They were replaced by a combo of cabinet-matching and stainless steel appliances.  Sigh.

And once recently on House Hunters International, a couple looked at a model condo that had black appliances--I thought it looked really nice.  They purchased a condo in that complex, but agreed that the black appliances would need to be upgraded to stainless steel.

A few months ago, I was scouting out appliances in anticipation of at least some of ours nearing their useful life.  I asked him about stainless steel vs black--he said about half of purchases were now for black, up from what it was a few years ago.  But the fact is, stainless steel is more expensive, and everyone knows it.  So I don't think they're going anywhere, unfortunately.

Our microwave was the first appliance to die, and I considered stainless.  But it's hard to change just one appliance, and we have no reason to buy all new appliances.  So I stuck with black, and even downgraded from the Kitchenaid we had to a plain GE (not even GE Profile).  They're all made by the same manufacturer, but Kitchenaid is considered more upscale.  But the GE cost only about $350 as opposed to $500+.  And all we do is reheat stuff.  It works fine (although I'm annoyed that if you hit a button it automatically runs for that amount of minutes on High; you have to press "cook time" first to get less than a minute and/or 90 percent heat.

I think about "black vs stainless" because if we ever decided to sell the house, I'm sure the realtor would note that black appliances are a negative.

Someone needs to come up with a shade of black that's just as expensive as stainless--call it onyx.  Something posh.  So I can keep my black appliances without second-guessing.

The Year of Positive Thinking

I've struggled with this my whole life.  From an early age, it seems, the thoughts in my head were negative.  I wish I had learned about cognitive behavior therapy, and the fact that you can train your brain toward positive.  But I didn't learn of that until many years later--in the past 15 years.  Even though I did have therapy when I was in my mid-20s, I don't remember the focus on thought patterns.

I remember my sister saying to me, "why do you always have to be so negative;" probably when I was a teenager.  I used to tell myself that assuming things would not go well was a way of protecting me--so that if things didn't go well, I wouldn't be disappointed.  But I didn't realize that negative thinking can influence outcomes--that is, influence behavior related to outcomes.

I've noticed since I stopped working full time that my mind is freer to think.  But the trend has started to be that it retrieves negative incidents from my past.  For now when I notice that, I start repeating "be positive" over and over.  As much to block out the negative as to try to replace the negative with positive.

I know people are wired differently; some people are like me, with the wiring tilting toward negative.  I've decided to make a concerted effort this year to keep my thoughts positive.  The start is to notice the negative and redirect.  This week hasn't been easy, because I've been sick with the flu (despite getting a flu shot) and feel low as a result.

The tricky thing about positive thinking is, I think it has to focus on keeping a positive outlook, but recognizing you can't control all outcomes.  Especially outcomes involving others.  For example, a recent magazine article (Real Simple) suggests visualizing yourself 10 years from now, with positive images.  How do you be positive while still being realistic?  I'm not going to visualize myself living in a mansion, for example.  But it gets harder when visualizing how things will be for my son 10 years from now.  I know what I want for him--so I'll visualize those.  And of course, I hear a voice saying, "but what if they don't happen?"  And there's the rub.