Sorely Tested

I know I said this year I would focus on staying positive; on paying attention to the thoughts in my head and gently redirecting them if they turned negative.  But everything fell apart during the crisis.  None of the techniques that work when one is fairly calm worked.  I would meditate, and find myself sobbing partway through the meditation.  Don't think ahead, I told myself.  Don't project dark thoughts into the future.  As the crisis subsided I was a little less panicked, but it threw me.  And now it's hard not to think about when the next crisis would hit.  I was beginning to think there wouldn't be another crisis; beginning to have real hope for the future.  But now we're shaken and are trying to regroup.  I can't tell myself to be positive, because I don't know what that means.  Thinking that everything will work itself out; will be just fine, doesn't work.  So now I tell myself to stay in the moment.  Don't think forward, don't think back.  But it's hard.