Mall-Free Christmas

I haven't set foot inside a shopping mall this Christmas season; I've done virtually all of my shopping on  line.  For the first time.  And it feels great, not to have to deal with finding parking and coping with crowds.  Not to mention trying to find something I think my husband and son will like, that will fit.  At the same time it feels weird, like I'm cheating by not having to put up with crowded malls.

Okay, I've been in a mall once since Thanksgiving, because we went to a movie there.  So I stopped by Macy's to buy a couple of boxes of Christmas cards.  They're getting harder and harder to find.  But I like getting them--I tape them around the archway to our family room--so I'll keep sending them.

I didn't plan to do everything on line.  I did buy the main items from Amazon right after Thanksgiving; I was planning to do the rest of the shopping at a local mall.   I was going to go to Nordstrom on my way home from teaching yoga last Monday, but started looking at Nordstrom's web site and realized I could get exactly what I wanted for my husband.  Shipped for free.  I knew the brand and the size, based on prior purchases I've made, and it was so much easier than hunting through the men's store.  I also relied on the LLBean website--again, because I'd bought items for them in the past, and knew what types and sizes to get.  OK, I'm taking a risk with my son, hoping he'll like the latest purchases.  I even bought the chocolate santas from Godiva on line; I couldn't bear the thought of going to the mall just to get a couple of things at Godiva.  Everything was free shipping except the Godiva.  But the Godiva website had a couple of offers that reduced the price of the items and of the shipping.

I did buy a couple of things for my cat the old-fashioned way, but I got them from pet stores.  In strip malls, which don't count malls, at least by my definition. My cat, Pooh, was named "pet of the week" in a local e-newspaper, and I received a $25 gift certificate from one specialty store.  So I bought Pooh a fancy waterfall-style (electric) water dish.  It was virtually the only cat item in the store, which otherwise is for dogs.  It was pricey; when I got home I checked the Amazon website and found I could have gotten it for about $25 cheaper if I'd bought it on line.  So the gift certificate was a wash.  And if history is any gauge, Pooh will hate the waterfall fountain and refuse to use it.  But he'll love the box.

Ashtanga Not for Me?

I attended an interesting yoga workshop yesterday on something called Mysore Yoga.  Based on Ashtanga (more about that later), Mysore classes are not instructor-led.  Instead, the student arrives any time during the hours the practice is available, and does his or her yoga.  A lead instructor and some assistants are available to guide students individually.

This practice just became available in the studio where I take yoga classes (and where I received my 200-hour yoga teacher training).  I've been wondering if it's something that would work for me, with its flexible arrangement (it's open from 5:30-8am M-F, and a little later on Sunday.  You pay by the month, rather than by the class,  so if you go several times a week you get the most for your money.

But I'd been reluctant to go, not knowing how it operated.  The instructor asks that new students contact her first, so she can guide them when they get there.  But I still wanted to know more in advance--how do students know what to do?

Some of my takeaways from yesterday's workshop:

- You do the yoga in a prescribed sequence, which builds up over time.  But it always starts with 10 Sun Salutations--5 A, 5 B.  Right there, that's a problem for someone with low bone density--that means you're doing 20 deep forward folds just to start, putting pressure on the spinal discs.  I can do this, I say to myself.  But should I.  And every day?  What if I don't want to start that way?

- The room is heated to between 78 and 80 degrees, and they don't want you to drink water during the practice.  There's a philosophy behind this, and it's also a tenet of Bikram and other types of hot yoga.  The idea being that you want to build up your body heat, and water will dissipate that.  Is this really medically sound?  Add in the ups and downs of Sun Salutation, and I may end up getting dizzy.  I've found that water helps keep me from getting nauseous.  They say they will let you drink water (as in "leave the room to get water") if you have a medical reason for doing so.  But I'm still skeptical of this whole approach.  Why do they want me to work up a sweat?  How is this supposed to help with Enlightenment?

- YOU DO THE SAME THING EVERY DAY.  I know the practitioners would chafe at that description, but it's so different from the classes I teach and take, where the idea is to be creative and come up with new movements and combinations.  To keep things interesting, and so you're not working the exact same muscles in the exact same sequence every time.  What if I don't want to do revolved triangle?  Ever, as a matter of fact, since I heard that someone dislocated her hip trying to do the prescribed Iyengar alignment.  Is it medically sound to do the same sequence every day?

So while there is flexibility in terms of when you do your practice (within the prescribed morning hours), and you go at your own pace--appealing to those of us who are tired of the same class times and instructors--the practice itself is prescribed.  An alternative is the open session, where everyone shows up and does whatever they want.  But then why pay for that?

So there are some good reasons why I shouldn't do this sort of practice, but it still has an appeal--because I like to think I COULD do it.  Even though it's probably not a good idea.  I'll do some research ("google") to see what I can find out from relatively objective sources.

Get Up Off Your Butt...

That's what I said to myself during a flute duet last night.  I wasn't playing well, and had to tough my way through it.

My performance image is of the figure skater who falls, then gets back up and continues her routine.  Especially the skater who nails a difficult jump after the fall.  Not the skater who doesn't fall.  Because much as I would like to be, I'm not someone who performs flawlessly.  Do any of those skaters just want to stay seated on the ice, call it quits while they're behind (literally as well as figuratively)?  I came close to doing that last night.  But I finished, not without more mistakes, though.  Hopefully my next performance will be better.  I'd like just once not to have to get up off my butt.
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The Latest Gadget (Conair Infiniti Pro heated hairbrush)

Who says I don't buy things?  I'm always looking for products to deal with my aging hair--and I'm sure I'm not alone.  I'm trying to keep it medium length (as opposed to really short the way a lot of older women have their hair), but my hair texture is much different than it was.  With the wrong (as in most) hair products, my hair will be coarse and frizzy.  I learned some time ago that the best way to dry my hair is with a heated brush--that way I can style it while it's drying.  As recommended, I use a regular blow dryer to dry my hair about 80 percent, then use the heated brush to dry the ends and style them in the process.  I was using a John Frieda brush, which works well.

If you look at how hair stylists dry hair, they have a blow dryer in one hand and a round brush in the other, and control the hair with the brush as they dry it.  But I find that too difficult to do; hence the heated round brush.

I read about the Infiniti in the Wall Street Journal a few days ago; an article about some of the latest hair stying gadgets, and what was popular in different parts of the country.  What caught my attention about the Infiniti is that you can press a lever that makes the brush spin as you're using it to dry and style your hair.  I don't know of another heated brush that does that (my John Frieda doesn't).  Without a spinner, you have to try to spin the brush yourself, which I can't do very well.  The WSJ article said the Infiniti is popular among Hispanic women in Miami--to deal with thick wavy hair.  Sounds like my hair, I thought.

So of course I had to get myself an Infiniti, even though I have a perfectly fine brush now.  I planned to order it from Amazon, but they happened to have it at CVS, and I had a 20 percent off coupon, so I bought it there the same day I read about it.

I've used the brush once--the spinner is cool, but takes some getting used to.  Depending on how you're holding your hair in the brush, you have to spin it either clockwise or counterclockwise.  If you pick the wrong direction the hair flies away from the brush.  I had a little trouble picking the correct spin, but did it correctly most of the time.  The spinner (and fairly large brush) make the hair puffier, but also easier to keep straight.  My hand did get tired from holding the spinner lever, though.  The brush doesn't really work unless it's spinning.

It's been 2 days since I used the brush; my hair isn't as full, but does still look straight--the waviness hasn't reemerged, as it usually does.  So I will definitely continue to use this product.  Until a newer gadget comes along...

They Deserted Me

The conventional wisdom is that clothing retailers target people 25-45 years old (or so) because they're the spenders.  But I (barely into my 60s) would spend more on clothes if I could find ones I like.  But over the years, almost as soon as I find a brand, or a store, or an item of clothing, that I really like, the item or brand disappear, and the store changes its fashion line and moves away from styles I like.

Take Episode, for example.  I loved their clothes--very plush silks, long flowing designs.  I still wear items I bought at their DC store about 25 years ago.  Around the same time, stores like Saks Fifth Avenue also carried the Episode brand.  But then Episode disappeared--the brand as well as the store--and I had to regroup.  For a while I really liked Talbots--well made, reasonably priced clothes--but I won't shop there any more.  The styles look like they're trying to compete with ATL, but not at ATL prices.  If you're going for trendy, then price the clothes at a point where a customer won't get upset if it only lasts a year or two.

I really liked Sigrid Olsen clothes--one of her sweaters is still my favorite.  A small boutique near my house used to sell her clothes; so did Nordstrom.  Then the clothes started to disappear.  She was bought out by Liz Claiborne and then at some point dumped.  (I once bought a pair of Liz Claiborne pants; the button fell off as I put them on.  I never bought another Liz Claiborne item--I figured they had poor quality control.)

I've already mentioned that the pair of Cambio jeans I bought at Nordstrom some years ago is (are) the best pair I've ever had.  But Nordstrom no longer carries the Cambio brand.   NYDJ jeans are good, but more iffy in terms of fit (there are so many options--some are much longer than others).

And a few days ago I tried to buy some more fleece turtleneck pullovers from L.L. Bean, only to find that LLB no longer sells them.

I'm the same size I was 25 years ago--actually, I'm the same, but the clothing sizes keep getting larger, so I wear a smaller and smaller size.   In some cases I'm down to a size 0; maybe in a few years I'll be in negative numbers.  The first and only time I tried Chico's, I was told I'd be a size 0 in their store, and they didn't have many of those--I'd have to look around.   Apparently "mature" in retail clothing lingo means "fat".

So clothing retailers have created a self-fulfilling prophecy--designing trendy (short, tight, low-cut, often flimsy) clothes that someone like me finds less appealing.   And assuming that everyone over 50 is overweight and will enjoy wearing large colorful tent-like outfits.   Thus I spend less than I otherwise might if I could find more that I liked.  Clothing makers and retailers they were right not to target me as a customer.  And instead I divert my dollars into yoga clothes, yoga workshops, spa treatments, travel, music lessons.  Well, maybe I'd still do those things, too.

One Month Later

I think my facial scar looks a little less raised after using ScarAway for 1 month; it's hard to tell from the photos.  The one on the left is from a month ago; the one on the right is from today.  OK, so they're blurry and I look yellow, but when I looked at the two photos on my phone, I thought to scar in today's photo look slightly less pronounced.  Of course, we don't know what the scar would look like if I weren't using the silicone strips--one assumes there would be some healing, but maybe more of a ridge. Good thing I decided to only take photos once a month.

I'm Thankful I Decided not to Baste the Turkey

Searching the Internet can be helpful, but you have to know when to stop.  Because if you keep searching, you will find information and advice that contradicts everything you researched previously.  So it is with advice on cooking a turkey.  And I had already narrowed it down to:  roast in an oven, no brining.  Brining probably is good, but I'm supposed to be on a low-sodium diet, and brine would infuse the turkey with a salty solution--that's what brine is.  And I'm not going to deep-fry; I don't deep-fry anything.

I searched recipes on a couple of sites (allrecipes.com and delish.com) and found one on allrecipes.com that got a high rating.  It called for pouring turkey broth in the bottom of the pan and basting the turkey ever 1/2 hour.  I started having second thoughts after I found out I was supposed to take it easy after yesterday's surgery.  And when I googled "should I baste or not," the sources seemed to agree that basting does nothing for the turkey meat, only the skin.  And opening the oven door every 1/2 hour wreaks havoc on the roasting, they said.  So scratch that recipe.  This was yesterday, so I had to find an alternative recipe quickly.

The next area with a range of opinions is:  "at what temperature should I roast the turkey".   Some sources say 350 degrees; some say 325.  The recipe that came with my locally-bred turkey calls for roasting it at 400 for the first 1/2 hour, then 350 for 2 hours, then 225 for the last 1 1/2 hours.  Too complicated, I thought.  And those times are for a 15-lb turkey; mine is 11 pounds.  And I never know how long anything will cook in my oven--it seems to cook fast.  So if you're off with the times, the turkey will be overcooked.  So I'm going with 325 the whole time.  I'm tenting, and hopefully will make a good decision on when to take off the aluminum.

I don't hesitate about the debate over whether to stuff the turkey or not--I stuff.  The stuffing doesn't taste nearly as good if you bake it outside the turkey.  People are too finicky about bacteria, anyway.  You need some germs to build up your resistance.

I went with very basic stuffing--bread, onions, celery, sage and pepper.  One year I tried chestnut stuffing, and I tore up my fingers trying to work with the chestnuts.  Back to simplicity--similar to the stuffing my Mom made.  It's one of the dishes she made that I really liked.

I have no idea whether this turkey will be any good.  But once I got it in the oven, all I have to worry about is whether it will cook faster than it's supposed to and throw off the rest of the schedule (mashed potatoes and green bean casserole).

Pin Cushion

I went to the dermatologist today to have the remainder of my precancerous mole removed.  I assumed she would freeze the area and take whatever she didn't get when took a sample for the biopsy.  I didn't think anything of the fact that they had me lie down; I figured it made it easier for her to zap the area (left chest area).  I realize now the assistant said the doctor would do surgery, but it didn't register--that's what they do at the surgery center I went to; I didn't think my dermatologist did that kind of surgery.

The first steps were the same as with freezing--clean with alcohol, and then inject a local anesthesia (or whatever they use).  But in the course of the procedure, I could feel tugging--I realized she was sewing stitches.  So I mentioned she was doing more than I expected--she said the mole went beneath the skin, which is why she did surgery.  I now have two layers of stitches--one internal, one external--just like I did for the surgery on my face.  (She mentioned that she "doesn't do faces"--so it's not that she doesn't do surgery.)   And I'm supposed to take it easy for 48 hours.  Which seems to mean no heavy lifting--but they did say I should get help with the Thanksgiving cooking.  I figure I'll get the guys to do the mashed potatoes; the turkey's too complicated to explain--I'm still trying to figure out which tips to follow.

The external stitches don't dissolve; I have to go back in next Wed. to have them removed.  The internal stitches dissolve.  In the meantime, I have to clean the would every day and keep it covered.  So now I have my second set of stitches in 3 months.  I'm starting to feel like a pin cushion.

That Day

I was on patrol.  It was a big deal in our school to be a patrol girl.  For one thing, you got to leave school early--at least 15 minutes early; I don't remember exactly how much earlier.  As a group of us were leaving the building, we noticed that American flag out front was at half mast.  We figured someone really important must have died, for them to lower the flag.  The principal?  No, maybe the superintendent.  Maybe even the governor?

I took my spot near the curb, near one of the exits where the kids would soon come streaming out.  Across the street were homes; many kids would be walking into the neighborhood; I was there to help make sure they safely crossed the street.

Everyone who came out that day said something similar--the President's been shot; President Kennedy's been assassinated.  I didn't believe any of them--not one of them.  You know how rumors can get started in grade school--soon everyone's saying the same thing.  And these were young kids, what do they know, anyway?  Lincoln was assassinated; modern people don't get assassinated.  OK, I knew there were two other presidents who'd been assassinated, but who were they, anyway.  We all knew Lincoln.  (Why are some people "assassinated", while others are "killed", I would ask my mother later that day.)

One of the kids from my sixth grade class walked by, and also told me the President had been shot.  I told him I didn't believe him.  He lived across the street from the school, and his mother was standing in the front yard, within yelling distance.  He called over to her to ask if it was true that the President had been shot; that he was dead.  She nodded yes.  So then I knew.  An adult had said so.

Five years later, I was waking up and heard something on the radio about Bobby Kennedy and a brain injury.  I immediately thought--I'll bet he's been shot.  No hesitation, no disbelief.  Yes, I was five years older, but I also reflected later how much had changed in those five years that made it so easy for me to believe another Kennedy had been shot.

We lost a great deal that day in November.

Speed

I don't really know if I'll be able to play faster.  I'm working on Andersen Eighteen Studies for the flute; the first three etudes went fine.  I did one each week, and practiced enough so I could play them well at my lesson.  But last week, when I played the fourth etude,  my teacher said I should play it another week and play faster.  I know she had played it at a tempo faster than I took it, but I was playing at the tempo I felt I could handle--that is, play it correctly.

I don't really know what the best strategy is for playing faster while maintaining accuracy.  As soon as I speed up beyond my comfort (competency?) level,  I start making mistakes.  Playing fast badly doesn't seem like a good strategy--but I guess I have to go through that process if I want to get to the next level of competency.

This week I set the metronome at quarter note=138, and tried to keep playing through the mistakes.  I found that my right fingers, especially R3 (right ring finger), were having trouble keeping up.  And I was feeling considerable pain in my right hand--around R2 as well as my thumb.  To help with the right hand fingering, I placed cotton-filled plastic cream holders in between each finger to stabilize them; that helped a bit.  But I'm not there yet--I can't play at that tempo without making mistakes.  There's one fairly large segment (the middle) where I especially have problems; I practiced those 14 measures more often, but it's not as simple as just fixing certain passages.  It's also the cumulative effect of trying to play 64 measures, all eighth notes, at an allegro animato tempo without making a mistake.

I really don't know whether my fingers are up to it.  And I don't know if I'm being a pessimist/defeatist or a realist in saying so.

Gravity

It's official--the Cica-Care strips don't stay on my face any better than the ScarAway strips did.  In fact, I think Cica-Care is worse.  After a few days the stickiness (is that the silicone?) seems to wear off.  And the strip just slides off my face, even at night.  One night I taped a Band Aid over it to keep it on.  When I got up the next morning, the strip slipped through the Band Aid and fell off.  I think the Cica-Care is more susceptible to gravitational pull because it's thicker and heavier.  I try to keep the strips on through breakfast, but invariably they come off and I lose track of them.  One Cica-Care strip ended up under my cereal bowl and in the dishwasher before I found it; today a ScarAway strip fell off and I found it on the kitchen floor.  I just have to resign myself to the fact that I'm not going to keep a strip on my face for 12 hours unless I sleep for 12 hours--and I'm not going to.  The best I can hope for is 8 hours--a few in the evening and the rest overnight.  Some days, when I'm home more, I may be able to wear the strip a few more hours during the day.  The strip stays on better when I wear a rejuvenated one during the day (as opposed to trying to keep one on in the morning that's been on my face overnight).  By rejuvenated, I mean one that's been washed and dried and laying in the ScarAway case.  But I've already thrown out one Cica-Care strip--it had lost all its stickiness; you really couldn't tell the difference between the two sides.  I'm not even sure how much good it does to cover a scar with a worn-out strip.  And who knows how much good this is doing, compared to the counter factual--that some amount of healing would occur without the silicone strips.  Time heals all wounds--to varying degrees.  Who knows how long it will take, or to what degree the wound will heal.

CicaCare vs ScarAway

The verdict is in--CicaCare won't stay on my face, either.  I woke up at some point last night to find the strip had slid and bunched up on my face.  I pushed it back in place where it stayed until the morning.  But CicaCare says if at all possible, wear the strip all the time.  That just won't work.  When I try to wear the ScarAway strip during the day, I get preoccupied with whether it's staying in place--and invariably it falls off and I have to hunt for it.  I can't believe I have to mess with this for the next 2-4 months.  That is if I want to have as small a scar as possible on my face.

It's too bad these products don't adhere well to the face--if there's any place where you'd want to minimize a scar, it's on the face.  I have a surgical scar on the side of my left big toe that's still visible, but I don't really care.  Not that much, anyway.  I tried silicon strips there--very difficult for them to adhere, and I think I gave up.  I don't plan to give up on my face.  But I have to be realistic about how many hours a day I can have a strip on my face.

I don't know whether CicaCare holds up any better than ScarAway, since I just got the CicaCare from Amazon.com yesterday.  The CicaCare instructions say a strip should last anywhere from 14-28 days (!).  ScarAway says its strip will last about a week; in reality, they start adhering less well after one day.

The two products are physically quite different.  ScarAway is very thin, and is light brown--looks like a fabric BandAid.  CicaCare is about twice as thick, and is see-through.  It's more squishy and gel-like, and hard to tell the difference between the two sides (sticky and non-sticky).  Also, you supposedly can wash the CicaCare strip and reapply it right away; the ScarAway strip has to dry (which is why I have 3 different strips I'm using--two to trade off, and a third that's twice as wide as the other two.  The wider one doesn't stay on any better than the narrower ones do).

CicaCare is quite a bit more expensive--one 5" x 6" sheet cost nearly $45 on Amazon; I bought the ScarAway for over $20 (I think) at CVS; the ScarAway box has 8 1.5" x 3" sheets.  Based on the two sizes, I'm getting between three and four times as much silicone sheeting with ScarAway.  So if CicaCare doesn't last as long as it says, it won't be worth the price.  We'll see.

At least CicaCare acknowledges that the strip might not adhere.  It suggests holding the strip on with " a lightly elastic conforming bandage or tape".  I think that means the type of bandage that you can roll around something.  That would have worked for my foot, but won't work for my face.

As I said, too bad it's so hard to apply silicone to the face, where the need to reduce scarring is great.  I don't really know if ScarAway's scar serum is much of a substitute, but I'm using that when I'm not wearing a gel strip.  At least two more months of this.  Ugh.

New Word(s) for the Day: Dysplastic Nevi

I just got the news that both moles my dermatologist removed a week ago are precancerous--the official term is dysplastic nevus (plural is nevi).  If you look at the National Cancer Institutes's website, these "atypical moles" generally don't turn into melanoma.  It also says, "Normally, people do not need to have a dysplastic nevus or common mole removed".  However, I'm guessing that once someone (like me) has had melanoma, they protocol is to remove the dysplastic nevi.  Also, according to Wikipedia, there are different types of atypical moles, so the biopsy may have indicated that I have the type that's more likely to become melanoma.   Anyway, my dermatologist is ensuring that the margins are clear.  Her office said the entire root system was removed from the mole on my thigh, but not on my chest.  So I have to go back in so she can remove the entire root system.  It must not be significant surgery, since she's able to do it in her office.

I asked the office assistant what kind of cancer it could turn into--he just said it wasn't skin cancer yet.  But looking at the National Cancer Institute and the Skin Cancer Foundation (Skincancer.org) websites, these atypical moles are associated only with melanoma.  In fact, the Skin Cancer Foundation website says "dysplastic nevi are unusual benign moles that may resemble melanoma".  Drat.  More potential melanoma.

I could tell by the way they handled this call that something was up--it wasn't just going to be "everything's normal".  But I wasn't as nervous this time as I was when I got the call about the blotch on my face being melanoma.  Guess I'm getting used to hearing about cancer.  Unfortunately.

Twitching (down) Dog

During yoga class yesterday (participant, not instructor), some muscles on the left side of my face started twitching.  Especially when I was doing inversions--Down Dog to be specific.  My guess is the extra blood flow from having my head down.   And the muscles around my left eye twitch occasionally.  And also parts of the left side of my mouth.  I assume these are related to my surgery, part of the healing process.  I hope.

I'm up earlier than usual today (4am) because I woke up with a splitting headache.  I took some Tylenol, but ended up getting up anyway.  Not sure what the cause was--the Frownies?  The scar sheet (I used a wider one last night)?  The Afghan food I ate at dinner?  The yoga inversions?   All of the above?

The new, wider scar sheet I used last night stayed on the entire night--but the operative word may be "new".  These ScarAway strips seem to work well only when they're new.  So we'll see how things go tonight when I try th use the wider strip again.

I researched (OK, googled) scar sheet reviews and couldn't find anything other than Amazon.com user reviews.  Many people have the same issue I do with ScarAway--the strips just don't stay on.  One reviewer suggested using Cica Care sheets--more expensive, but hold up better, the reviewer said.  So I've ordered a box of sheets and will test it out once it arrives.  Which knowing Amazon will be sooner than they estimate.  (Is Amazon an it or a they?)

Oh, and I found the wayward ScarAway strip the fell off the night before last--stuck to the back of my pajama tops.

Not Exactly Seven Days

Gone, vanished, nowhere to be found.  And that was the second time last night that my ScarAway strip fell off my face.  4am.  I don't know what time it was when it fell off the first time.  Interesting how losing the strip must have woken me up.  Makes it hard to figure out how to wear the strip "at least 12 hours a day" when it won't even stay on at night.  And since I'm somehow waking up after the strip falls off, it's interrupting my sleep.  And sleep is good for a lot of reasons, including helping things heal.

I never did find the lost strip--must be stuck on the sheet somewhere, but I couldn't find it this morning.  I had used a second strip during the day and evening, after I got back from teaching yoga, so I used that strip for the rest of the night (one hour, since I get up at 5am.  I did fall back to sleep, luckily).  Today I started with the silicone serum, and will switch to a scar strip this evening after my flute lesson.  I like the little massage ball bearings on the serum applicator, so I also massaged my lower lip, where I have fairly pronounced lines, and also at my brow line, where the creases looked deeper because I forgot to wear a Frownie last night.  (Too many things to remember--wound management for the two spots she removed; scar strip on the cheek; Frownie on the forehead...)  I have no idea whether silicone does anything for "fine lines" but it's worth a try.  Extends the amount of time it takes me to get ready in the morning, though.  And as a result I totally forgot about a retiree breakfast get-together this morning.  Too late to go now, since it's at least a 20 minute drive.  And I have to be back for my 11am yoga class (participant, not teacher).

Not the first morning appointment I've totally forgotten about.  I'm trying to train myself to look at my calendar first thing each morning, after I missed two other meetings, but I forgot.  This is an issue with much less structured time--I'm fine with the routine appointments--my yoga teaching and flute lesson, and I work hard to remember doctors' appointments, since there's a cost to not going (both in terms of maybe having to pay for a missed appointment, but also in terms of how long it might take to get another appointment).  So there's a theme here:  if a meeting or appointment involves money (either me getting paid, or me paying) I'm much better at remembering than if it's a volunteer activity or social get-together.  I'm sure that says something about my priorities.

Back to the scar:  This is the first time I've posted a photo to my blog--here's me this morning (11/01/13) and how my scar looks.  I don't know why I looked jaundiced--must be the lighting.  But the scar looks redder "in person".  But you can see the gash line near the corner of my lip--that's the area that's thick and red and raised.  On the other hand, the lines on my face don't look as deep to me as they look in this photo.  So I guess the world sees me differently than I do.

Here's how my scar looked in early September (09/11/1) about 2 1/2 weeks after the surgeon stitched me up (08/30/13):

I know, it looks worse now, but that could partly be the lighting.  Almost looks like I had makeup on in the Sept. photo; I don't in the Nov. one.  I'll take a photo every couple of weeks or so to see if I can document the progress.

Meanwhile I will Google to find out if there's another silicone scar product that gets better reviews than ScarAway...

Scar Away Day 3

So much for trying to wear the Scar Away strip all day.  I couldn't even keep in on through breakfast.  As with the first night, the strip came off at the edges while I was sleeping; I had to press into it to keep it on.  The edges start to lift up, and it's at the lower edge where the least-healed portion of my surgical scar is.  Same problem as with the bandages I had on after surgery--the scar line is at most 1/8" from the corner of my mouth; the area is curved and the muscles move a lot.  It also seems like the adhesive is wearing off, even though the Scar Away instructions say you should be able to use the same strip for 7 days.  We'll see.

I had been planning to put a new strip on after I washed my face this morning, but since the strip I had on last night didn't make it through my first waking hour, I could tell a new strip wasn't going to work. I teach two yoga classes today, so I'm talking and moving--I think I would be constantly trying to keep the strip on.  This morning, every time I looked down, it seemed, the strip was on the floor.  Taking on lint and cat hair, until finally I stopped trying to put it back on.  I washed it, of course, and am leaving it to dry per instructions, so we'll see how it does this evening.

But I think I'll try something different tonight--I'll use a larger portion of the strip, assuming it's not too large to fit on my cheek.  Originally, I cut one strip into four quarters--cut in half width- and lengthwise.    I wouldn't be able to use the full strip length; it's just too long and would have to go underneath my chin.  That wouldn't stay on--too big a curve.  But I may be able to use the full width--it would extend across my entire cheek.  The half width doesn't cover the outer blotchy area of the scar--it's not a raised area, but it is blotchy.  The dermatologist said the silicone strips should help with redness as well as the raised portion of the scar.  So we'll see--maybe a wider strip will stay on better.  Or not.

Meanwhile, I used the Scar Away serum this morning, along with a 2-minute massage.  Not sure how well the serum works, but that's the best I can do during the day.

Scar Away?

Part of my surgical scar has healed really well--at the upper end of the stitching, about 1/4 inch diagonally away from my left nostril.  The whole scar line covers about 1 1/2 inches down the crease between my nose and mouth--although it would be longer if it were straight.  The middle part is a red blotch, about 1 1/4 inches at the widest.  But the lower part has not healed well--it's raised and thick.  Hypertropic, my dermatologist said.   The lower portion the scar ends 1/8 inches from my mouth, and this has been the problem.  I had trouble keeping the bandage on that area from the beginning--when I ate, the corner of the bandage would get wet and start to peel off.  And when I stopped wearing the bandage and used the strips that are supposed to hold the cut line in place while it heals--the strip near my mouth fell off after a few days.  They were supposed to stay on for about a week before they fell off by themselves.  Now, while the upper end of the scar line is nearly invisible, the lower portion (about 5/8th of an inch) is red and thick.  The thickness gets smaller as I move my finger north from the left corner of my mouth.

So now I've started silicone treatment to try to reduce the scar's thickness and redness.  The surgeon didn't say to do it (and I asked); but my dermatologist told me yesterday to start applying the silicone strips at night.  I asked about massage; she said just use the strips.  I bought ScarAway silicone scar sheets, and applied my first one last night.  I woke up at some point and noticed that the lower end was starting to come off.  Probably moisture (OK, drool) from my mouth).  And the ScarAway instructions say to use the strips for at least 12 hours each day--so more than just at night.  I don't mind wearing the strip during the day--in fact, I feel better with the scar covered--but I can't see how it's going to stay in place through eating, flute playing, and exercise, if it couldn't even fully stay in place while I was asleep.  Today, I bought ScarAway Scar Dimishing Serum to use when I can't wear the scar sheet.  The applicator comes with little massage ball bearings, so I'm doig

I'm still in the process of figuring out how to maximize the daily use of the silicone scar sheets, so I can get at least 12 hours.  I think I'll experiment tomorrow with wearing one during the day, and see how it goes.  I'll have to swap out two different strips, because I plan to wear makeup.  I'll have to remove the strip at night to wash my face, clean that strip and use a dry one to apply for the night.  The instructions say to use the strips for 8-12 weeks; the dermatologist's assistant recommended 3 months.  Guess I'll keep using them until I go back for my next 3-month followup with the dermatologist.

More Biopsies

Yesterday I had my first followup with my dermatologist since my cancer surgery.  I saw her in July, which is when she ordered the biopsy on the skin that turned out to be cancerous (melanoma).  Because it was melanoma, I have to see her every 3 months for the next 2 years.  Unless they find more cancer, in which case the 2 years gets extended.  I had my first full-body scan yesterday; she was very thorough, even checking my scalp; it was clear she was following a protocol.  Some blotches I thought might be problems weren't, according to her, but two small round spots that were darker than the others looked suspicious to her.  One was on my upper chest, the other on my inner thigh.  So she removed them and sent them to the lab for biopsy.  Is this my new life?  More biopsies every 3 months.  I hope not.

At least now I have a better idea what to look for--different from what I found on the Internet.  The Mayo Clinic website (and I'm sure other sources) refer to ABCDE--asymmetry, border irregularity, color changes, diameter greater than 1/4 inch and evolving--in determining what to look for.  I was fixated on the asymmetry, since I have a bunch of splotches that are irregular, including a big splotchy area on my leg.  And I read somewhere that women often get melanoma on their legs, so I was especially concerned about that.  But the doctor said the splotches on my hand are just part of aging, and the darkish blue splotches on my leg are vein showing through.  The two spots she removed were symmetrical, had regular borders (so much for A and B!), and were small (takes care of D).  C doesn't apply to the two spots either--they were both uniform in color (May Clinic says look for multiple colors or uneven distribution of colors).  As for E (evolving):  since I didn't think those small round spots were a problem, I would not have noticed changes.  Now I know to look for anything that starts to get darker, since she zeroed in on the only two spots that were darker than every other spot or splotch on my body.  Looks to me like the area around my neck and upper chest could be the most vulnerable, since the spots already look a bit darker than those on my arms.  Nothing looks as odd or hideous as the Mayo Clinic photos, so I'm not sure how helpful all this guidance is.  All I can look for now is change.  And not in a good way.

Breathless

I've started working on a new exercise book for my flute lessons--I finished Emil Eck book 2.  A milestone--took about a year.   Now I'm working on Andersen's 18 Flute Exercises.  The second exercise is all staccato and supposed to be light--I'm trying to make sure my diaphragm is moving on each note, so I'm quite tired after playing the exercise just once.  But I regroup and repeat 4-5 times, also working on segments where I make mistakes on the notes.

I'm still having much difficulty with dynamics-finding a full sound, and playing loud on low notes.  The current short piece I'm working on, Godard's Allegretto, has a lot of crescendos and decrescendos, and a fairly full range (from low C to 3rd octave A.  Seems the more I practice, the more difficult it gets.  But I think that's because i'm focusing more on the dynamics, not just on playing the correct notes.  I have to take the piece in segments, to work on the dynamics.  But I also notice I make mistakes with the notes--as if my brain can't do a cresendo and play the correct notes at the same time.  It's somewhat of a retraining, since I don't focus as much on dynamics when I'm first learning a piece.  And the difference between my "p" and "f" is pretty slim--especially on the low notes.  And it's tough to play soft in the 3rd register.  But I stuck with it today, and spent quite a bit of time on specific segments, trying to get the appropriate dynamic contrasts.

I played flute duets with my teacher last week; I felt more comfortable and less nervous than the previous times we've done duets.  And I like to think my sound carries a bit better now.  Maybe.  But we're still playing during a church dinner, so it's very loud in the room and not clear what people are able to hear.  That's a big reason I feel comfortable, though--no one's really paying attention to what I'm doing.

Don't Remind Me

I glanced through an article in today's WSJ about Linda Thompson (the singer).  When asked how old she felt (OK, the question was "what age do you think of yourself")--who asks that, anyway?  I've never seen an older man asked that question.  Anyway, she answered sometimes she feels 66 (her age); sometimes she feels 86.  She adds "...I can barely walk some mornings..."

I guess I was hoping I wouldn't feel my age--would look it if I looked in the mirror, but otherwise would feel no different physically than I did 10 or 20 years ago.  But age is taking its toll.  I seemed to have reinjured a muscle I pulled, or tore, 3 years ago.  One of my right quad muscles.  But this time (or maybe unrelatedly) my right hip also hurts.  And one morning my foot ached, and I couldn't walk on it for a while.  Back to the hip:  if I sit too long, my right hip hurts quite a bit when I try to get up.  Like it's stiffened up.  I can feel it starting to stiffen now, so I'll change positions.  But it seems like I have to keep moving.  Funny how my hip doesn't hurt when I move.  But then my quad does.

I don't like being reminded that I'm getting older.

There's a Pill for That

I was going to whine again about my gray hairs starting to show--especially along the forehead line and my part line.  I have to go through the hassle of figuring out which product to use--I'll probably go with Clairol's Root Touch Up, because it's less toxic (but also less effective) than L'Oreal's Root Rescue.

Now L'Oreal is saying it may have a pill to prevent gray hair on the market by 2015; something they've been working on for more than a decade.  Not clear whether it can turn already-gray hair back to its natural color, or whether it will be for people who haven't yet started to get gray hair.  Hopefully the former.

See, those of us who are dragging our feet to slow the circles down (from Joni Mitchell's The Circle Game, one of my favorite songs) are in many ways a large untapped consumer market.  The market needs to spend more time focusing on what we want--to look and feel young.

Speaking of not making products with us in mind, I just ordered another pair of jeans on line, to avoid having to try them on.  I bought a pair of NYDJ jeans from Nordstrom; I have two pairs already, so I know how they'll fit.  Not as well as Cambios, but OK.  You need to belt to hold the waist up, though.  And I mean to keep the "waist" from sliding down the hips.  I bought short jeans, which I'm hoping is the new term for ankle jeans, so when they slide down they won't be too long.

I just couldn't bring myself to buy Cambios on line; it's been too long since I bought mine, and there were too many options to choose from.  A few departments stores (Saks and Nieman Marcus) seem to have a few pairs, but not in my size.  There's a website called Naturals-inc.com that sells Cambio, but I've never heard of that company and didn't want to take the risk.  I tried going to the Cambio website, but it's "under construction".  And Cambio's Facebook page wasn't helpful.

Actually, the jeans issue has nothing to do with age; if anything, I'm thinner than I was 10 years ago.  But I have a small waist and a deep arch in my back (lordosis, or swayback), and waists are always too big for me.  That is, the ones attached to legs that will fit over my butt.  I'm so used to clothes not fitting very well--sometimes I have them altered, sometimes I just live with it.  I never wear shirts tucked in; it just doesn't look good.  But I'm not going to take jeans to a tailor--too expensive and challenging--so I live with the gap at the back and wear tops that will hide the gap.

Someone could make a lot of money if they made jeans that fit...

When A Dog Stops Eating

I read a sad story in today's paper about a family's 13-year old Lab, who clearly was moving toward death.  Writing to a pet advice columnist, the owner says "six weeks ago, she walked away from her...food for the first time."  The dog has deteriorated since then, but the family has been unable to take the painful step of putting the dog down.

It's been nearly a year since our beloved Raven died--Oct. 13, 2012.  She was about 12 and a half years old.  We're not exactly sure, because she was a stray.  She was running loose in a local park, and was taken to the animal shelter on May 1st, 2000.  The shelter estimated she was about 3 months old.  So we celebrated her birthday on Feb 1st each year.  We saw her that first day, but had to wait a week to adopt her--the policy for strays, in case the owner showed up.  She had no collar; the shelter said there was a 50-50 chance at best an owner would show up under those circumstances.

My husband said he noticed that she had been eating less for some months; I hadn't noticed that.  But ever since we left her at the vets for a week when we went to the beach in August, she was having more difficulty getting in and out of her crate.  On the Monday before she died (Columbus Day), she didn't go to her food dish at all, and we knew something was terribly wrong.  She let me hand-feed her a bit, but she didn't move from her crate.  She was always so feisty and energetic.  We managed to get her into the vet that day, and he gave her a cortisone shot.  My husband said optimistically that the last time the vet gave her a shot, she perked up right away.

But she didn't perk up right away--she didn't touch her food the next morning, and I went to work worried.  I even wondered if she'd still be alive when I got home.  I had helped her set up her own Facebook page, and I deleted it that morning.  So I wouldn't have to do that after she died.  I also researched what to do if your dog dies at home.  And I left work early, because I couldn't concentrate.

When I got home, her bowl was still filled with food; she hadn't left the crate.  I burst into tears; I somehow knew she was nearing the end; that this time she wouldn't bounce back.  On Wednesday, she was a bit better; by that afternoon she even wanted to go for a walk.  So we briefly thought she was on the mend.  I even ordered an especially long ramp for her to use to go outside without having to use the steps.  But then she declined again, and by Friday turned her head away when I tried to hand-feed her.   Somehow she knew she was nearing the end, and would no longer need the nutrition.

We were planning to take her to the vet the next day, Saturday, if she wasn't doing better.  The one time she perked up on Friday was when the mailman came--she rallied for her customary run to the door with terrorizing bark.  She never did get used to that guy coming to our door.  But after that, she never moved.  Later that evening, my husband carried her outside so she could "go".  She sat on the grass and stared straight ahead.  She loved to sit on our lawn.  We would stay with her, because our yard isn't fenced in.  So she spent her last evening with her beloved family, on her beloved lawn.

She spared us the difficult decision the Lab owner may have to make.  Some time after my husband and I went to bed, Raven drew her last breath.  I truly think she waited until after we had left; she didn't want us to see her die.  But she knew she was loved.

Yet Another Attempt At Finding Jeans That Fit

I hate trying on jeans--worse, much worse, than trying on bathing suits.  Because at least with bathing suits, I know which ones not to even attempt.  And I've finally figured out that even though I'm a size 4 (or 2 or 0 with size deflation), I need to buy a size 8 suit or it will be way too short (we're talking one-pieces, since I've never looked good in two-pieces).

But with jeans, I can't figure out the sizing (24?26?28?30?) and if the jeans are big enough to fit over my butt they will be about 5 inches too big at the waist and be hip jeans whether they're supposed to be or not.

The only pair of jeans I've ever owned that really fit well were a pair of Cambio jeans I bought several years ago at Nordstrom.  They were not cheap--around $200, which was (and is) quite a splurge.  I remember another woman was trying on a pair and also thought they were great.  They're stretchy and soft and ACTUALLY FIT AT THE WAIST AND THE BUTT!!!!!!!!!  They're made in Italy and are a size 6 (0r 36, 10, 38 depending on the country), so one size larger than I normally wear, but they're great.  I only bought one pair because they were so pricey, and I don't wear them much because I don't want them to wear out.  Because they can't be replaced.  Nordstrom no longer sells Cambio; some company called Naturals sells them on line, but I've never heard of them and wouldn't know which style to buy.  Amazon also has some, but same issue--I wouldn't know which style is comparable to the one I bought.

I made the mistake of buying two pairs of Levis a couple of years ago.  My son and husband were buying jeans, so I decided to buy some, but was so confused by the array I didn't try that many on before deciding on a certain style.  Called Demi Curve Straight Leg size 27.  Smaller sizes wouldn't go past my hips; these would.  But the waist doesn't stay up without a belt; they become hip-huggers, and have a gap in back so either have to wear a really long top or wear a belt and ruin the silhouette.  (I never tuck in my shirts; I'm too thin on top and my waist is too narrow relative to my hips.)  So I hardly ever wear them.  And they weren't cheap; not $200, but not $20 either.

I have a couple of old pairs of LLBean jeans that I wear--the waist fits and stays in place without a belt.  But they're kind of baggy in the legs and don't feel stylish.  And I've used them so much for gardening that the knees are wearing out--also not a stylish look.  Fine for home, but not out.

So I decided to try a new style of LLBean jeans, called "TruShape Denim Slim Leg Ankle Pant".  Size 4, the smallest size they have.  The waist is actually an inch smaller than on their other jeans, so I thought I'd give them a shot.  I know it's a gamble buying without trying on, but I tried on the Levis and still made a mistake.

The LLBean jeans fit fairly well, although not as snugly as I had hoped.  And the waist does slide down slightly, which is why I bought ankle pants--I figured they'd end up falling longer on me.  I'm washing them now in the hopes that they'll shrink.  But I won't have to wear a belt to keep the waist up.

A word about NYDJ jeans--they're pretty good, although I figured the name meant New York something something, not "Not Your Daughter's Jeans".  Didn't seem quite as stylish once I found out what the name stood for.  I bought a size 2 (O would not have fit through the hips) and the waist is too big.  So my ankle pants are regular-length, and the waist sits on my hips--and I wear a belt.  But I like them better than the Levis and I do wear them.  Love the colors (bright green and bright red).

Taking Stock

I have a difficult time being comfortable with my choices.  I went to a luncheon the other day, with others who had retired from the same organization I worked for--and most everyone seemed to have landed consulting work.  I haven't figured out how to get into that network, but am also conflicted about trying.  I tell myself I'm earning money also, but I know I'm not taking much in as a senior yoga instructor.  It's about one step up from volunteer work.  One person actually laughed (in disbelief, I think) when I said I was teaching yoga.

I wish I didn't care what others think.  But it's at least as much that I'm questioning my choices--maybe other choices would be better.  But now I have time to teach four yoga classes each week, practice my flute 2 hours a day, vocalize, write, exercise...I think it would be easier to take a different path if I weren't living in the same town where I worked.  And here, everyone is defined by how they make a living.  And teaching yoga isn't exactly making a living.

One person at the luncheon said she might know of some work leads for me; I will follow up.  But then the conflict--if I do land consulting work, I may not be able to continue teaching senior (daytime) yoga. What I'd really like is part-time consulting work, where I could apply some of my professional knowledge but still have time for teaching yoga and practicing music.  I'll see where the leads lead me.

Age-defying instructions mystifying

I try not to succumb to news of the latest breakthrough in anti-aging technology--and don't when it comes to facial products because my skin is so sensitive.  But the latest edition of Better Homes and Gardens (BHG)--the only magazine I still subscribe to, unless you count Coastal Living, which is in my son's name to keep from losing his airline mileage points--has an article called "Is Your Hair Aging You?"  The article highlights five products, two of which I bought yesterday--Pantene AgeDefy Advanced Thickening Treatment and Pantene AgeDefy Rejuvenating Hydration Masque.  I already have a third product--Nexxus Youth Renewal (I still like that name better than AgeDefy) Rejuvenating Conditioner.  I didn't see the age-related advantage of the other two products--an Aveda Invati Exfoliating Shampoo, and Nioxin Regular Hold Hairspray.  Where's the anti-aging hype?

Sounds easy enough.  Both Pantene products were on display at Walgreens--they must be new, because I've tried every Pantene "age defying" and Nexxus "youth renewal" product.  At first all they had was shampoo and conditioner.  Then Nexxus added something you were supposed to apply to youre roots to plump up the hair--it didn't seem to do anything, and I ended up throwing it out.

I like to read the instructions on the packaging before I buy a new product, to see what I'm getting into. But the print was so small on both Pantene products that the only text I could read was the product name.  The rest of the text on the thickening treatment box was ridiculously small and extensive--and I suspect they know the women who will buy it won't be able to read the print without putting on reading glasses.  And I don't like having to put on reading glasses in a store.  Like people don't know I'm old enough to be looking at "age defying" products.

The BHG article had said to "...spritz with a thickener like Pantene...before styling".  Seems easy enough; I guess I don't need to read the instructions in the store.  When I got the product home, I threw the box away, since I figured the instructions would be on the spritzer.  Something like "spritz on hair before styling.  Here's what the bottle says:  HOW TO USE:  "Use daily according to instructions on pamphlet."  Pamphlet, what pamphlet?  Who has pamphlets for a hair spritzer?  I dig the box out of the recycling bin, and find a pamphlet wedged into the box.  I also decide to read instructions on the box (do they also say "read the pamphlet"?  The box says, in tiny letters that are hard to read even with reading glasses:  "Spray 15..." (!) (exclamation point added) pumps at the roots to cover your scalp from the ear line up.  Massage in with fingertips.  Do not rinse off.

Are they kidding?  The 15 pumps is bad enough--this $18.99 product will last about 5 days at that rate--but it's the "apply to roots" part that's the killer.  The brochure is more detailed "While standing in front of a mirror, part your hair...spray 3 times along each part line...repeat 5 times so that you cover most of your scalp...gently massage the product around your scalp...for about a minute..."  And you're supposed to repeat this every day!  Anyone who's ever tried to use a hair color "touch up" product knows how difficult and messy it is to keep parting your hair and staying close to the part line.  And in just one month (!) my hair will be more supple.  Whatever that means.  I doubt the product or I will last that long.  OK, so within a week I'm supposed to see less hair in my brush (due to less breakage), more texture for hair that is less limp, and hair that is easier to manage.  It doesn't exactly say my hair will look thicker does it?

I just looked up the definition of supple:  "readily bent, pliant..yielding..".  Is that the hair, or the definition of the person who bought the product?

Yes, I will try this because I bought it, and it was expensive, and I should have put my reading glasses on and read the box before I got myself into this.

Foreign body

The blotchy area on my face where the cancer was removed feels like an alien presence.  When I touch it, it doesn't feel like I'm touching my own skin.  The area has a numbness to it, like it's still under anesthesia.  The lines above and below the blotch, where I can see the stitch line, feels more normal, but has a bunch of bumps along it.

Funny how only one person has asked what happened--I know the area is very visible--2 inches long and about an inch wide, which is pretty large for the face.  It doesn't cover well, and generally I don't even try to put makeup on it.  The lower gash--the one that hasn't totally closed--would sting, and it hurts when I apply anything other than a Q-tip.  I had lunch with a friend from my former workplace a couple of days ago, and she didn't say anything.  I suspect people pretend they don't see, or don't want to call attention to it.  I'm waiting for someone to be more open and ask me where I got the gash.

On another health front, I have a bump on the tendon sheath of my right middle finger--where I had one cortisone shot some months ago to alleviate the trigger finger.  The doctor I went to, the same one who gave me the shot and did the surgery on my left trigger finger, seemed apprehensive about dealing with the lump.  He said it might be a cyst (that's what I told him I thought it was, based on googling), but it could also be a fibrous mass or benign tumor.  He used a needle to try to pop the cyst, if it is a cyst--he went in twice--it hurt, because he didn't give me any pain killer (other than freezing the area).  I couldn't tell initially, but later when I got home I felt the lump.  So either it's a cyst and he missed it, or it's something else that can't be popped with a needle.  

He said if the bump wasn't gone, and it bothered me, I should see another orthopaedist who specializes in hands (I thought he did that).  Sounds like it might require surgery, which could mean loss of the use of that finger for a while.  The area around the bump swells up after I've been practicing the flute, and that's why I wanted to get rid of it.  But I just pressed on it and it doesn't hurt, so maybe I'll just live with it for a while and see how it goes.

It still stings

Shortly after I woke up this morning I felt a sharp pain in the area where the gash is--just beyond the left corner of my mouth, extending upward for about 1/4 of an inch.  The lower end of the stitching.  I couldn't come up with a description of how it felt, but then it came to me--it felt like I had just been cut; that sharp pain you feel when you cut yourself on a piece of glass.  But this is a gash that was made over 3 weeks ago.  Perhaps it's part of the healing process.  The gash is the part that has healed the least--still looks fairly open and very red.  I continue to put Vaseline on the whole area--the gash, the large red splotch, and the slight gash above the splotch, partially hidden in the deep fold line that runs from my nose to my mouth.  But the fold doesn't really hide the lower gash.

I teach my first Monday yoga class today at a local senior center.  I had been subbing over the summer, but this is the first time it will be "my class"--the first day of the first session.  I'm a bit nervous, even though most, if  not all, of the people who have signed up likely will be the same ones who were in the summer session.  It's hard for anyone new to get into these classes---the returnees know exactly what to do to make sure they get a spot.  If you don't sign up as soon as registration opens, you won't get in.  So they know to be at the center before the start time--10am.  People who try to sign up at 10:05 don't get in, I'm told.  And if you're new and don't know the drill, you're totally out of luck.

Anyway, I plan to treat this as my first class--with a little introduction and reminder about the few but important rules--don't do anything that hurts; stop whenever it feels appropriate; do what works for your body.  I want to move at a measured pace--if I've packed too much into my plan, I'll just cut out some things to make sure we have at least 5 minutes at the beginning and end for relaxation.  This is a group that doesn't seem to like innovation, or too broad a range of poses; I'll save those for my Tuesday class.

Speed

Yesterday was the first time while playing the Quantz Presto that my fingers felt light.  I tend to grip the flute when I'm sight reading, and when I'm trying to learn and practice difficult passages, especially ones with lots of 16th notes in a row.  Lightening up makes it easier to move the fingers on and off the keys.  My teacher tells me to keep my fingers close to the keys.  That helps, but it's not the whole picture.  If the fingers are heavy and gripping, they will be difficult to move on and off the keys quickly, even if they stay close.  (One flute teacher refers to this as the "death grip"--so I'm not the only one with this issue.)

I have struggled especially with a passage that has the following 16th notes (2nd octave):  F#, D, C#, D, A, G, F#, E, F#, D, C#, D...Moving quickly from D, where 7 fingers are on keys (plus the right thumb that's always on the flute) to C#, with one finger (plus the right thumb), back to 7--twice with one measure in between--has been especially difficult.  Especially the second time. It's hard to keep the flute from rolling, moving so many fingers on and off with the right thumb, base of the left index finger, and chin being the only three fulcrum points balancing the flute (according to Michael DeBost).

Yesterday I felt like my fingers barely touched the flute when they moved on and off--making it easier to keep the flute steady.  When I grip or press, it almost feels like the flute is rocking back and forth--which it probably is.

I don't yet know how to start out with a light touch--yesterday came after weeks of sometimes-agonizing practice.  At last night's flute choir rehearsal, I felt the tension and gripping as I sight-read my way through several pieces.  Everyone else there has many years of flute experience, although some haven't played in quite a while.  So I was nervous.  And when I'm nervous, I grip.

Conflicts

I woke up in a sweat this morning, but no headache.  I don't know if the sweating is related to the healing process.  It's not something I've experienced in quite a while, so perhaps my body is reacting to the stitches or the itching or raw pain.  As the day went on, I felt more pain in my cheekbone, and my cheek area has some bumps on it.  I've been putting Vaseline on the site to keep the wound moist, but that may be causing breakouts.

Two of my new worlds collided today--I had signed up some months ago to teach yoga outdoors at a local waterfront pavillion four times between May and October.  I'm supposed to teach tonight.  But since I signed up to teach, my county has started a new flute choir, which I've signed up for--and the first rehearsal is tonight from 7-9pm.  So I've had this dilemma--do I forego getting paid $60 for one hour of teaching, or miss my first flute choir rehearsal--a program I helped get started, by the way.  I tried to switch yoga teaching days with someone, because the classes are on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  No one was able to switch.  I checked the forecast about 10 days ago and it looked like it was going to rain today.  Last Friday I decided to give the yoga class to someone else, so I wouldn't miss flute choir.  I'm not feeling that perky, with the scar and rawness--teaching seniors I'm familiar with is more comfortable.  The outdoor yoga can have 80+ people attending, and I don't know any of them.

It's pouring right now--if they haven't canceled tonight's class they probably should have.  When I taught in early September, some rain had come through around this time of day, but the weather was beautiful by 7pm.  But if I were teaching tonight, and they hadn't canceled (they make the decision by 4pm), I'd be driving right now with nighttime-looking skies, thunder and rain.  So I don't feel quite as guilty about not teaching and not making some money.

I hope enough people have signed up for flute choir to make it a viable performing group.  I'll find out in a few hours.

Scarface

I've been waking up with a headache; I don't know if it's the red wine (which I'm drinking for the resveratrol, not to mention the apigenin) or the scar.  I've been trying to think of words to describe how my cheek feels--like it's been scraped (which I think it has been); pulled (the stitches?) and cut.  It feels raw and itchy, and numb to the touch.  But it also stings when I try to cover it with makeup, so the coverup isn't going well.  Even after vaseline (not a coverup, but supposed to be good for scars), Cerave with 50 SPF, a concealer and some foundation, the bright red color gets slightly less bright.  But then the coverups slide off and the bright red patch and jagged scar near the edge of my mouth remain.

So far I haven't felt that self-conscious about going out, but I don't go out all that much.  Especially now that the heat and humidity have returned.  I'm thinking of doing a small amount of shopping--to Barnes and Noble and to the Loft.  I do feel wounded, and I'm wondering if I should cover my cheek with Band-Aid to keep the sun off.  Do I really need to wear a hat to walk half a block or less?  And then what do I do with a big hat while I'm in the store?  The hat does have strings, so I could wear it on my back like a cowgirl.  Better than losing it.  Or maybe I'll take it with me in the car and wear it only if I can't get a parking spot near the stores.  Anyway, I need to go to the bank to deposit the check from my yoga teaching.  And it's not too far from the shops.  It's just getting harder and harder to park close to the stores.  And it's hot and sunny.

You can only learn so much from a book

I'm having trouble with crescendos when playing my flute, especially when I'm also trying to play fast. The Quantz Presto is very difficult for me, because some of the passages that require playing several measures of 16th notes also require a crescendo at the same time.  I don't think my problem is breath control; I think it's not knowing how to aim (direct) the air.  From years of singing and taking voice lessons, I know how to breathe--but when I try to play loud on the flute I can hear the air dissipating.  My teacher doesn't seem to be able to help with embouchure issues--when I talked to her about my difficulty with crescendos--and making ff sound different than pp in general--she talks about breath support.

I've looked on the Internet, and see some discussions as well as suggestions for books to read.  But I know from some of my difficulties with singing that books can only teach so much.  Beyond some level of understanding of breathing mechanisms and throat openings, you just have to feel it.  And figure it out for yourself.

One Internet video is actually pretty funny--inadvertently.  It's entitled "How to Play Forte Piano on the Flute" posted by expertvillage.  The description says "learn to play loud and soft on the flute from a professional flutist..."  All she does is play one line of "Faith of our Fathers" and you can barely tell the difference in dynamics.  Not to mention that her tone sounds quite thin and amateurish.  She does note that to play louder, the air has to move faster--that's consistent with what I'm reading.  But that alone won't help with properly directing the sound.

I attended a master class conducted by Sir James Galway recently, and he noted that the flute's dynamic range is pretty limited--and also pointed out that when performing, you can't play too softly or the audience won't hear you.  So that adds to the challenge.

I've made the decision on the Quantz piece to play it more slowly than it's supposed to be played (supposed to be quarter note=108; I'm playing it at 84), so I can work on focus and dynamics.  I can't play faster this point without many of the 16ths sounding unfocused and airy (if I play them correctly at all).  Too many variables (tempo, dynamics) for my ability level.

I'm fighting the urge to buy books that discuss dynamics--but I did just print out Jen Cluff's discussion about dynamics.  One suggestion is to direct the air downward (using the upper lip); I'll try that.  She recommends Moyse's De La Sonorite for its discussion on "fullness of tone" and also Roger Mather's three-book series The Art of Playing the Flute.  For now I will resist the urge to buy them...

Recurrences

I explained to a friend over dinner last night that the bandages on my face were the result of recent skin cancer surgery.  I said it was the bad cancer--melanoma.  Then she proceeded to tell me she had three or four (I lost count, I was so stunned) cancers removed, including melanoma on her back (not clear if she had a second cancer on her back) a squamous skin cancer from her face, and recently another cancer near the bridge of her nose.  The dermatologist simply said "that's cancer" and removed it in the office.  In fact, her dermatologist--the same one I go to--has removed all of my friend's skin cancers.

Her first skin cancer was melanoma, on her back, which she said was several years ago.  She saw the dermatologist every 6 months for about 5 years. I explained that I have to go every 3 months; I'm not sure why I'm going more frequently.  Is it because my melanoma was on my face, or have the skin cancer treatment protocols changed?  And why did I go to a skin cancer surgeon to have the melanoma removed--again, was it because it was melanoma on my face, or the size, or what?

I was surprised at how matter-of-fact she was about the skin cancers, especially the melanomas, and the fact that she has had recurrences, including one very recently.  But she has a lot on her mind--other physical issues as well as personal ones--so maybe she has a different perspective on this than I do.  My focus may be oversized.

I put sunscreen and makeup on the scar for the first time--the scar consists of small gashes at each end and a big red splotch (with no visible cut line) in the middle area.  The bottom gash is too wide for the makeup to cover, so it sits there, open.  I wonder if it just never healed together very well, because it was the area that kept getting wet (when I ate) and I had trouble keep the bandage closed at that end.

I feel a slight gripping, a clutching on my cheek--maybe from the inner stitches, or from the skin trying to stretch, or  both.  But I also felt a gripping, a clutching, on my lower left shin as I was taking my walk this morning.  Near the bluish/purple/red area that now looks ominous to me.

What Are the Odds?

Now that the melanoma in situ has been removed from my cheek, I've been researching the likelihood that I'll get melanoma again.  The research suggests that I'm at some risk, but the percentage seems fairly small.  One source (which I now can't find on the Internet), indicated the risk of a recurrence is 7-9 percent.  Yesterday's Wall Street Journal had an article about skin cancer; it cites a melanoma recurrence rate of 1 in 20 (5 percent) patients 10 or more years after treatment.  Not clear what that means--whether it includes all the intervening years as well, or whether those are additional percentages.  One source on the Internet simply said people who've had melanoma are at increased risk of getting it again, but that the percentage is unknown.  So who knows?

The three Steri-Strips that were holding my stitch line together have all fallen off.  I have about a 1-1/4 inch gash on my cheek--it's prominent at the ends, especially at the lower end near my lip where the line is curvy and jagged; the middle, where the cancer was,  looks raw, but I don't see a cut line.  Who knows what the surgeon did.  He said it wasn't a problem if the Steri Strips came off before Friday; I hope not.  I'm covering the area with Vaseline to be safe; guess I'll wash that area tonight for the first time in nearly 3 weeks.  I'll wait until Friday to use sunscreen or makeup on it, to be safe.  I'll cover the jagged edge when I go out tomorrow.  My cheek feels raw, and hurts a bit; the interior stitches will take a few months to dissolve, so they may be part of what I'm feeling.  If I push my tongue into my cheek I can feel a pulling and a soreness.  Guess I should be careful with that--not sure if it's possible to damage the inner stitches.

Flute playing is getting a little better--yesterday was rough; it didn't seem like I could make a clean tone on any note, and I was having a hard time with the third octave--especially high C and C# (the beginning of the fourth octave), which are the highest notes I've learned to play.  I was blowing much harder than I should have to, and getting nothing but air.  Today I was able to direct the air better, and got tone with much less effort.  Maybe my facial muscles are getting the hang of playing again.

That one day...

One Sunday about 2 years ago, I started working in our yard--I think I was going to just fix a few of the  rocks I had used as edging along the side curb.  I'm pretty sure I wasn't wearing a hat, and it was hot and sunny.  I didn't plan to do much.  But I got carried away, and ended up digging up and resetting every rock along the side (several yards).  I've done the same with weeding--pulled up a weed with my bare hands, because I saw it as I was walking or looking and couldn't resist.  But then I would keep at it--weeding without gloves--and more than once discovered too late that poison ivy was growing under the weeds.  I'm horribly allergic to poison ivy, but that's a different story.  And I've never seen any poison ivy at our new house.

I believe I spent several hours in the sun, redoing the rock edging.  I noticed soon after that I had developed grooves at the left corner of my lips--and they have gotten deeper since.  Not very far from where the melanoma developed.  So I'm thinking I may have done enough damage to the left side of my face that day to hasten the aging of my lips and cause the melanoma.

Maybe I'm lucky with my bout of melanoma in situ--now I can't do my spur of the moment yard work, as much as I enjoy it.  I'll have to prepare and cover up each time I go out--and consider the appropriate time of day (early morning is preferable).  But then I had already become more careful about pruning, to avoid further straining hands already taxed by my flute playing.

I don't like having to be cautious and careful--but at least I still have that option.

Butterflies

I now have butterfly suture strips (3M Steri Strips) covering the stitches on my cheek.  The surgeon put three strips on yesterday, after removing the bandage that had been in place for a week.  I looked at my cheek in my compact mirror after the assistant had taken off the bandage; the area looked a bit swollen and red.  The Steri Strips don't cover the whole area--they're very thin--so you can see redness and some rawness where the lower part of the bandage was.  That's where some blood seeped and stayed on the bandage.

 The edge of the Steri Strip near the corner of my mouth never really adhered--I push it down, but it pops up again.  He said the strips should stay on for a week, until next Friday; the assistant said they would be on about 4 days.  So I asked him what I should do if the strips fall off before next Friday.  He said that was OK, I shouldn't try to put new strips on.  Once the Steri Strips come off, I can put makeup on the area.  And of course sunscreen.

He didn't recommend using silicone or vitamin E oil or anything else I've read about on the Internet to reduce scarring.  He said I should wait 6 weeks, then take a close look at the area and if there was anything about it I didn't like, I should see him and we would discuss what to do.

I'll take my morning walks, but will otherwise try to stay indoors until I remove the Steri Strips (or they fall off).  Both because I can't really put sunscreen around the area--I don't want to have to wash around the strips too much, because they're not supposed to get wet.  But also the sun and heat could loosen the strips.  I'll be happy when I can finally wash my entire face without worrying about getting bandages wet.

Yesterday my son came home from a doctor's appointment and asked me what kind of cancer I had--that he didn't know.  I said I had told him--melanoma--and he looked distraught.  I think he discussed it with his doctor, and probably had been told melanoma was the "bad" skin cancer.  Even though I had already told him that.  He hugged me hard and said he loved me.  And then he said "even though it's over, I'm still really upset about this".  I gently told him it wasn't over, since I have to now watch for other places on my skin that might turn into melanoma.  But then I let it go; I didn't want to dwell on that.

But I do look at a splotch near my wrist on my left arm, and a splotch on my left leg, and wonder.  And I wonder whether I can prevent splotches from becoming melanoma.  Or is the die already cast?

This is getting old...

Wearing the same bandage for a week, on my face, is getting old, literally and figuratively.  I feel self-conscious venturing out, since the bandage is so large and has dried blood at the edges.  And I haven't been wearing foundation because it's difficult to keep the rest of my face clean without getting the bandage wet.

I ventured out to Starbucks this morning for the first time, then to CVS.  The CVS guy asked me what happened--only the 2nd person to ask in 2 weeks--I just say I had some surgery that required stitches.  The only other person who asked was one of the women cleaning our hotel room at the beach.  But that week the bandage fell off a few days early, so I was in the process of replacing it with a nonstick pad and tape when she saw me.  That didn't work--the tape seemed to have no stick to it at all.  So I ended up using a regular Band Aid, which (barely) covered the wound area.

I ended up taking my normal 30+ minute walk this morning; I walked a bit more slowly than I usually do, but I don't exactly power walk anyway, so I didn't think I would get flushed in the face (which is what the doctors want you to avoid the first week after surgery/sutures).  It felt good to move my legs more.  Next (after a break and snack of black grapes and almonds) I'll vocalize for 1/2 hour, then take another break and do yoga to a DVD.  This afternoon I will try to play the flute and see how that feels.

I have a bunch of questions for the doctor when I see him tomorrow morning, but he doesn't hang around--he's in and out so fast that I don't even remember what he looks like.  I looked at the photo of the doctors in the surgery practice on their website, and wasn't sure which one he was.  He's one of the two guys with the beard.  I think.  Anyway, I hope someone can answer my questions--mainly about wound care and scar prevention going forward.  One web site suggests that one should wear the silicone strips for 3 months.  That's a long time to have something on my face.  But maybe it's better than having an exposed scar.  I'm assuming they'll say I can resume normal activity as tolerated, but I'll ask.  I do so many things that involve physical exertion--walking, bicycling, weight lifting, yoga, fitness classes, flute playing, singing...I'm not sure what's considered "normal".  But I know I'm tired sitting around on my butt for nearly 2 weeks--in fact I do get tired easily--not sure whether it's from the inactivity or the aftermath of surgery or both.  Funny how doing nothing seems to be more tiring than being physically active.

It's swell...ing

I slept partially upright, propped up on pillows for 2 nights, as recommended by the surgery center, to prevent bleeding.  I was relieved to be able to sleep normally last night, but had a fitful night.  I woke up around 4am and my face felt very tight.  I touched it, and could tell it had swelled.  So I sat up the rest of the night (until 5am, when I get up), and put ice on it after I got up.  I'm not sure ice helps with swelling if you don't apply it during the first 24 hours, but the outer bandage on my face was so thick I don't think ice would have helped that first day.  Even if the ice doesn't help the swelling, my cheek and lip feel better with ice (inside two twist-tie bags for insulation).  Sitting up helps the most, to keep the blood flowing away from my face.  I'll probably prop myself up again tonight, to try and keep the swelling down.  My face didn't swell much at all after the first surgery--must be all the stitches that are causing the irritation.

I taught my yoga class today--I already had a sub for last week's classes, and didn't want to have subs 2 weeks in a row since I'm already the sub for these classes.  I felt shaky and nervous, but had mentioned to the class that I was having surgery so they weren't totally surprised.  I didn't say much--just that I'd had stitches a few days ago.  I felt fine guiding the class--I was afraid I would get spacey and mislabel directions or body parts.  But it went fine--I could tell I was already less flexible after not doing much for over a week.  I was worn out by the time I got home, and have rested (watched new PBS Mystery series Silk, which was rerun from last night).  Well, I slept through part of it, but saw the last hour.  I thought if I stayed up, I would try to do too much.  I keep wanting to play my flute, but know that's a really bad idea, with a swollen lip and cheeks.  I'll go a good 2 weeks without playing it.  Maybe not a lot in the grand scheme of things, but I'm more aware that the time I have to learn the flute could slip away from me if I continue to have physical health issues.  I may try to play it later this week and focus on the fingering without working the embouchure.  Is that possible?  It's not like the piano, where the sound comes from the fingers only.  Maybe I'll try tomorrow afternoon...

Two surgeries later...

I try not to think about how much my surgeries interfered with our vacation--we still got to the beach, but for fewer days.  And a lost half-day in between.  I had, in essence, two surgeries--the first to take out the melanoma, the second to stitch up the wound.  Everything would have worked out if the stitching had been done at the same time as the cancer surgery, but since there was a chance that I had more cancer, the surgeon wanted to wait to do the stitching.  The family plan was that we would go to the beach as scheduled (the day after the first surgery); then my husband and I would drive back on Tuesday for the scheduled stitching.  We left a day later--I wasn't feeling well enough to travel the day after the surgery--and I was pretty sure I wasn't going to feel like going back to the beach after the surgery on Tuesday.  But I didn't say anything about that--my husband would have to go back to the beach since my son was there without a car, and I was hoping they would stay the few final days without me.

I knew there was a chance that the test results wouldn't be back in time for the Tuesday stitching--the surgeon had said there likely would be only a few hours to spare--and I thought about checking my voicemail as we were driving back (about a 4 hour drive).  But I didn't check the voicemail until we got home (I hadn't given them my cell phone number, which I should have done).  The test results weren't back, so they wanted to postpone the surgery until Friday.  It was about 11:30am; my husband said he wanted to go to the beach that day, so we got right back in the car and drove the 4 hours back to Virginia Beach.  And I still didn't know whether I had more cancer.  It didn't even feel like I'd been in the car for 8 hours--I had to sit around anyway, so why not in a car?  I just wish I had checked our home voicemail while we were driving; they called around 9:40am, which means we could have cut out half the trip.

We decided to leave Va Beach Thursday evening after dinner, so my son and husband could get in one more day at the beach.  The surgery center had called to confirm the Friday surgery, but I still called Thursday morning to confirm that the surgeon had the test results.  They left a message for him to call me back, and he did; the results showed that all the cancer had been removed.  I was overwhelmed and teary-eyed with the news; I had been anxious about the thought of more cutting, more areas that would have stitches; and maybe even a more invasive cancer.  So we were quite relieved.

But the stitching surgery is actually a more difficult recovery.  I have another week of needing to stay quiet and not exert myself, but the stitching hurt more than the cutting did, and my left cheek and upper left lip have swelled up, which didn't happen with the first surgery.  I'd only expected to need a week to recover, and I am scheduled to teach 2 yoga and 1 pilates classes this week.  I find it difficult to talk--it hurts when I open my mouth--so tomorrow's yoga class could be difficult.  And I don't know when I'll feel up to trying to play the flute.  Not until toward the end of this week at the earliest, so I'll have to cancel Friday's lesson.

At least the stitches dissolve on their own.  I have two layers of stitches--4 or 5 stitches inside, and then a continuous stitch, like a baseball stitch, on the outside.   And they feel itchy and they hurt and it feels like my cheek is swelling as I write.  Lying down doesn't help as much as it usually does, because I can't prop my feel up like I usually do--that would cause more swelling.  Ah, well, this is all temporary; each day will get a bit better.

It Ain't Over

One of the questions on my list was "what about the splotches near the site where I've been diagnosed with melanoma"?  (OK, the question just said "what about the splotches," but I felt I needed to elaborate).  I explained to the surgeon that my dermatologist had done a biopsy somewhere in that splotcy area over a year ago, and the results came back negative, but now the splotches were starting to look a bit scary.  He explained that the margin he would use in cutting out the cancer would include some of the splotcy area, and that the lab would be able to determine whether that area also had cancer.

So my surgery isn't done--he gave me a temporary stitch until Tuesday, when I have to go back in.  He said he should have the lab results back--probably with only a few hours to spare--but wanted to move quickly either way.  If the splotchy are also is cancerous, he will do more cutting; if it's not, he will stitch up the original wound.

But I didn't realize he was asking me to come back this Tuesday--3 days from now.  I had in my mind the "5-7 days" for the return visit, and assumed he was allowing a little more time.  It wasn't until the third time the date was mentioned that I indicated I thought he was talking about a week from Tuesday.

This matters because we were supposed to go to the beach this morning.  I didn't mention to the doctor that I was planning to be in a car for several hours less than a day after my surgery--I knew what he would say.  But having to go back in for surgery on Tuesday clearly threw a wrench into everything.

So we've been discussing as a family what to do about the beach.  For one thing, I don't feel well, although am getting slightly better.  For another, the would extends to one corner of my lip and covers a fairly large area of my cheek beyond that, and I can barely open my mouth.  The assistant had said not to eat anything like a burger for last night's meal.  I had trouble eating tuna fish and spaghetti.  Basically had to eat with my hands to shove the food into a small area.  And brushing and flossing my teeth was tough on the left side, where the would is.  If I open my mouth too much or too wide, I think it increases the bleeding.

The reality seems to have set in more for my husband and son, seeing me with a bandage over half my face.  My husband was confused about the whole Tuesday issue ("I thought it was supposed to be 5-7 days"); I had explained it, but explained it again.  I may have more cancer.  They may have to cut more.  I didn't mention the other thoughts that are in the back of my head--what if the splotchy stuff is melanoma, but not in situ?  And how much will he have to cut, since the splotches are spread out?  I'm trying not to think about that.  But it's there.

My son's having difficulty dealing with the uncertainty of the trip, but is trying to be adaptable.  And before he left this morning he said he loved me and hugged me--very long and very tightly.

 

Are We There Yet?

This week is inching by.  I wake up and try to remember what day it is, and whether it's a yoga teaching day, and if so which one, so I can orient myself to the class time and location.  But this week it seems like it should be later--today should have been tomorrow, or Friday.  Friday, when I have my surgery to remove the melanoma on my face.  Friday, when the cancer that seems to grip my cheek will be scraped away.  I keep thinking ahead to all the things I want to take care of before the surgery, since I'm not supposed to bend over, lift anything, or do anything strenuous for a couple of days.  Here's what the surgery center website says:

If your wound site is located above the shoulders, you should be cautious not to stoop or bend over for the next 48 hours. For example, we urge you to lift your foot up to you rather than bending over in order to change or tie your shoes. No lifting, straining, or exercise should be done over the next two days. Any of these activities or anything that rapidly raises your blood pressure will put pressure on the healing blood vessels causing them to bleed. Also, keep your head elevated while sleeping.

I know it's only 2 days, but staying upright and doing very littie will be a challenge, since we're planning to travel the day after my surgery.  Who goes to the beach the day after they have melanoma removed?  Oh, well, I didn't want to disrupt the family plans.  But I also didn't want to wait any longer to have the surgery.  Waiting until Friday is already too long.