the battle for control...

I've debated writing about this in a blog, but since I'm writing for myself this feels more like a diary.  I figure as long as I talk about myself (and not my family) I won't be violating any confidences or telling someone else's story.  But one of the reasons I struggle with unscheduled time is that my mind, free to wander, goes to the place it's most comfortable--the regrets, the losses, the failures, the anxieties, the self-doubt.  There's a certain comfort in these thoughts--so what I've been used to letting them go unchallenged for decades.  I never had behavior therapy, so I've tried to learn on my own how to replace those thoughts with other thoughts--or in the case of meditation, with nothing (hence the mantra).  Walking is supposed to be (or can be) a form of meditation--but I noticed when I was walking yesterday that I was going over and over the same thoughts that have haunted me for years.  But part of me feels comfortable with those thoughts--I grew up with them, literally.  When I try to replace them with "you can do it" types of thoughts, I don't really believe them.  So blanks--mantras--that crowd out the old thoughts work best.  But it is work; it's a battle.  When I'm weary I just want to live with the old thoughts.  I don't know whether it helps to write about this or not.  I guess I'll find out.