YogaChunks

I'm starting to practice teaching yoga--I'm finding that I feel pretty comfortable doing small, familiar "chunks"--10-15 minutes.  And I finally got my son to agree to let me teach him a YogaChunk--I think the hour/hour and a half was just too intimidating for him.  I realized that I couldn't take anything for granted--instructions I thought were clear weren't.  Next time I'll do more demos--I think that will help.  I may have my first opportunity to teach an entire class in a few months; still quite intimidating to think about developing and going through 1 1/2 hours of material.  Wish I could ease my performance anxiety--it pervades everything I like to do--starting with music.  I've started playing the piano every day; it feels good, but brings back memories of how I just couldn't stick with it as the pieces got harder.  I would get frustrated with my slow pace of learning, and got very nervous when I had to give a recital--got worse as I got older. So now my goal is to enjoy playing, without thinking about performing.  But music is funny, as compared with the visual arts, for example--I have nothing to show for my work unless I perform.  I can't hold it up for people to look at, or display it on a wall.

First Audition..

I had my first voice acting audition this weekend--I was very excited!   Everything's much different than what I learned in the (very pricey) training.  Not the content, but the format.  I'm not sure anyone goes to studios anymore--I was asked on Friday if I could submit an mp3 audition file by Monday.  I said sure--not having done this before.  I had downloaded Audacity a few months ago and tested it out, but I don't know how to use it very well.  I also discovered that Audacity doesn't convert to mp3; I had to download something else to do that.  Anyway, I figured out how to save and send, and planned to practice and record several times over the weekend.  But a lot intervened--I had one of my intensive yoga weekends, for my yoga teacher training program, this one with Baxter Bell.  So I was busy Friday night as well as Saturday and Sunday afternoons.  And of course it was Super Bowl Sunday, and I promised my family I would make chili and cornbread.  So as soon as I got home from yoga on Sunday I put on an apron and started to cook.  Plus:  our electricity went out Saturday morning, during the time I planned to do some of the recording.  (I realize now I could have used my laptop with battery, but guess I wasn't thinking.)  And then when I got home from yoga Saturday evening, we had what appeared to be a gas leak in our house, so I made everyone leave (cat and dog included, who had to be taken is separate cars since they don't get along--OK, the dog would like to kill the cat).  I was worn out by the time the fire department and gas company left--one has to be in good voice to audition.  And Sunday morning is choir, so I didn't have time then.

But I did rehearse, and I did a couple of takes--and sent one to myself to make sure I knew how to send an mp3 file.  Early Monday morning I did a few more takes, and picked the one I thought was best to send in. I decided there's such a thing as reading copy too many times.

Bottom line is, I enjoyed reading the script, and trying to make it interesting without overdoing it.  I'm just not sure about my voice quality--not sure what people will think of it.

I haven't heard anything, including no acknowledgement of file receipt.  But that seems to be par for the course with the agency with which I'm dealing.  I hope I get other opportunities to audition--I really did enjoy it.  And I felt good starting to learn how to use recording software (Audacity) and convert to mp3 files.  And I think my family got the message--don't mess around if you smell gas--get out of the house!

Losing power

We lost power for about 21 hours (about 8pm yesterday to 5pm today) due to the heavy snow weighing down power lines and knocking down power lines.  The longest we've been without power was during hurricane Isabel in Sept. 03--from about 5pm on a Thursday evening to about 7am Saturday.  But because it was Sept, we needed neither A/C nor heat.  Much different to lose power during the winter and have the house get colder and colder as the hours go by.  Raven got very anxious last night and was running up and down the stairs, in and out of our bedroom.  The Verizon box in our garage was beeping, and the noise upset her.

Earlier, when I was walking her around 7:30pm, we saw and heard a couple of light explosions--that must have been when our power went out.  When we got back to our street, she did not want to go back in our house.  At one point, I walked away without her to go back in the house (I rarely do something like that--I'm too afraid she'll run off).  When I turned around she was right behind me, but then went back across the street and sat down.  I finally had to pull her across to our walkway.  She must have sensed something was wrong, since no lights were on.  Funny how sensitive animals are.  She slept on our bed part of the night--she only does that when she's scared; she may also have been cold.  As she's gotten older, more things frighten her--rain (not just thunder and lightening), power flickers and outages, beeping noises.  She's afraid of my George Foreman cooker--I'm convinced it's because I was using it one time when our power went out--so she heard the beeping and then everything went dark at once.  She ran up and down the stairs (guess that's a sign of anxiety) and when I tried to comfort her she was actually shaking with fear.

We've never gone more than one night without heat, thankfully.  Much easier to deal with power outages during daylight hours.  We bided our time today by eating out and going to a movie--I think I would have been too cold to sit home and read.  I did that once in the house we used to live in--I was reading Angela's Ashes.  Seemed appropriate, somehow--I could feel the discomfort.  We take central heating for granted in this country.  And many other things, for that matter...

Too good to be true...

One of the yoga books I'm reading (by Erich Schiffmann) begins by discussing the benefits of yoga.  While the benefits for me haven't yet gone beyond the physical, I can always hope.  But as nice as it sounds, I can't help but question his assertion that "all the world will take on a friendly and nonthreatening glow as you see 'your' energy everywhere".  While I can strive to be more peaceful and see myself as one with the universe, I can't believe that the world will ever appear as he suggests it will.  How do we explain the Michelle Bachmans and Sarah Palins of the world?  And if some of us "...no longer see an evil, hostile world filled with alien and antagonistic forces..." won't we be at the mercy of the evil, hostile forces we're pretending we don't see?  I know I sound cynical, but if some of us let our guard down, it will be easier for those who aren't "enlightened" to pierce our flesh.  I can actually see a scenario under which some call for yoga practice to be banned--already being called for in some religions circles.

I think instead what I strive for is not to be so agitated by the evil forces, and perhaps to see more clearly how to mitigate their influence.  Not the same as pretending they don't exist.

Dog Days

I walked to the Starbucks today.  It's only about a 10 minute walk from my house, but I rarely walk there.  Partly because I also usually get my son a drink, and it would be cold(er) by the time I got it home.  But also because it's become a morning routine to take my dog, Raven, with me in the car.  She wasn't here today (cleaning day, so she's at doggie day care), so I didn't have to face her disappointment.  She would be very upset if I stopped taking her to Starbucks, even though it's a brief ride.  It's become part of her daily routine.

I'm not sure why I consider walking her to constitute exercise.  The walk consists of a stroll punctuated by many, many abrupt stops.  She eats everything (the more disgusting, the better), and most of her walk consists of hunting for stuff to eat.  I get exasperated with my husband for taking her to the commercial areas near our house--and then he complains when she eats chicken bones, or food that fell on the ground, or paper wrappers.  So I of course try to stay away from those areas--but now she's discovered what appears to be rabbit poop--little brown pellets that are everywhere, including our lawn.  So instead of trolling near the Safeway, she trolls every grassy area.  I can't win.

Today's WSJ had a discussion about winter dog coats.  Another frivolous "lifestyle" feature for the rich.  Oh, wait, I bought Raven a winter coat.  But I didn't spend hundreds of dollars on it.  OK, maybe $50.  I tell her she looks like a beautiful princess; my husband thinks it's stupid and superfluous and hard to work with.  The WSJ article indicated that dogs like her--black lab (some sort of mix in her case) don't need winter coats--they're built to withstand the cold.  But it did say that older dogs might need coats.  So that will be my new rationale.  Raven's almost eleven, although she still has the energy of a puppy.  A normal puppy, that is.  When she was a puppy she was a terror.

close to the surface

One of the signs that depression has emerged again is that I cry very easily--during movies, when a stranger cuts in line in front of me...the smallest things.  Yesterday I teared up during church, as the newest group of confirmees were being introduced.  Maybe I was thinking of my son's confirmation; I don't know.  But I had difficulty singing the next song.

Today was better--but I don't know why.  I don't feel so fragile.  I went to weigh a letter at the post office and was waiting for someone to leave the parking space.  While I was waiting, someone pulled in front of the person who was trying to leave.  Then another person pulled in front of them.  I get very agitated over situations such as these.  I gave up on the space I was planning to pull into (would have been much more difficult to get into) and started to go to a spot further up.  Then I thought about the fact that I'd be behind two rude people in line at the post office, and I didn't think I could handle that.  And I was squeezing in the stop before a physical therapy session--further adding to my agitation.  So I regrouped, left, and went to a post office that was closer to my PT appointment.  I decided if there wasn't enough time to take care of the mail before my appointment, I would leave and go back afterwards.  As it turned out, I had time to do what I needed and still find a great parking spot for my PT appointment.  (Living in a very urban suburb, street parking is often at a premium.  In this case it was in front of a hospital--a prime spot, and enabling me to avoid the parking garage.)  I felt good about the fact that I observed my feelings and reactions and came up with a strategy that reduced my agitation.

In my quest to get back into meditation, I went to a noon meditation class at the local yoga studio.  I was a little late, since I forgot I wanted to do it--but remembered right around the start time as I was driving home.  I had trouble sitting (right hip hurt from therapy session), but stuck with it.  And my chin itched from the Proactiv I put on it to get rid of the acne that has broken out once again along the chin line.  These are the things that happen when I try to meditate.  And it's one of the few times when I can really hear the white noise in my right ear (tinnitus from the Meniere's disease).  But I stayed with it--almost fell asleep a few times, I think (had that jolting sort of movement).  So today I've done my neck and facial exercises (my alternative to a facelift), had my PT to strengthen my right leg (quad injury from August that never healed properly), meditated, walked the dog and did my breath exercises.  I still need to vocalize (will do after I finish here), yoga and upper body weight lifting.  Things to do with the TV on (not the vocalizing, the others).

the battle for control...

I've debated writing about this in a blog, but since I'm writing for myself this feels more like a diary.  I figure as long as I talk about myself (and not my family) I won't be violating any confidences or telling someone else's story.  But one of the reasons I struggle with unscheduled time is that my mind, free to wander, goes to the place it's most comfortable--the regrets, the losses, the failures, the anxieties, the self-doubt.  There's a certain comfort in these thoughts--so what I've been used to letting them go unchallenged for decades.  I never had behavior therapy, so I've tried to learn on my own how to replace those thoughts with other thoughts--or in the case of meditation, with nothing (hence the mantra).  Walking is supposed to be (or can be) a form of meditation--but I noticed when I was walking yesterday that I was going over and over the same thoughts that have haunted me for years.  But part of me feels comfortable with those thoughts--I grew up with them, literally.  When I try to replace them with "you can do it" types of thoughts, I don't really believe them.  So blanks--mantras--that crowd out the old thoughts work best.  But it is work; it's a battle.  When I'm weary I just want to live with the old thoughts.  I don't know whether it helps to write about this or not.  I guess I'll find out.