close to the surface

One of the signs that depression has emerged again is that I cry very easily--during movies, when a stranger cuts in line in front of me...the smallest things.  Yesterday I teared up during church, as the newest group of confirmees were being introduced.  Maybe I was thinking of my son's confirmation; I don't know.  But I had difficulty singing the next song.

Today was better--but I don't know why.  I don't feel so fragile.  I went to weigh a letter at the post office and was waiting for someone to leave the parking space.  While I was waiting, someone pulled in front of the person who was trying to leave.  Then another person pulled in front of them.  I get very agitated over situations such as these.  I gave up on the space I was planning to pull into (would have been much more difficult to get into) and started to go to a spot further up.  Then I thought about the fact that I'd be behind two rude people in line at the post office, and I didn't think I could handle that.  And I was squeezing in the stop before a physical therapy session--further adding to my agitation.  So I regrouped, left, and went to a post office that was closer to my PT appointment.  I decided if there wasn't enough time to take care of the mail before my appointment, I would leave and go back afterwards.  As it turned out, I had time to do what I needed and still find a great parking spot for my PT appointment.  (Living in a very urban suburb, street parking is often at a premium.  In this case it was in front of a hospital--a prime spot, and enabling me to avoid the parking garage.)  I felt good about the fact that I observed my feelings and reactions and came up with a strategy that reduced my agitation.

In my quest to get back into meditation, I went to a noon meditation class at the local yoga studio.  I was a little late, since I forgot I wanted to do it--but remembered right around the start time as I was driving home.  I had trouble sitting (right hip hurt from therapy session), but stuck with it.  And my chin itched from the Proactiv I put on it to get rid of the acne that has broken out once again along the chin line.  These are the things that happen when I try to meditate.  And it's one of the few times when I can really hear the white noise in my right ear (tinnitus from the Meniere's disease).  But I stayed with it--almost fell asleep a few times, I think (had that jolting sort of movement).  So today I've done my neck and facial exercises (my alternative to a facelift), had my PT to strengthen my right leg (quad injury from August that never healed properly), meditated, walked the dog and did my breath exercises.  I still need to vocalize (will do after I finish here), yoga and upper body weight lifting.  Things to do with the TV on (not the vocalizing, the others).