the practice slog

I'm starting to dread my daily flute practice sessions--because I've been practicing some piece for weeks and they're getting worse, not better.  I realized today that my new flute could be part of the difficulty--my fingers ache quite a bit, and I'm still having trouble consistently covering the holes.  And my jaw cracks a lot, which I attribute to the strain from trying to get the correct embouchure.  I feel better when I play simpler pieces--ones that aren't too fast--where I can work on my tone.  Yesterday I listened to the CD that comes with Trevor Wye's tone book, and I realized how far over my head it was.  He talks about developing the ability to play "yellow" and "purple" tones, and then demonstrated them.  I could tell there was a difference, but wouldn't be able to say which was which.  And anyway, I'm just trying to play notes with more focus and less air--I'm nowhere near the point where I can work on tone color.

And I struggle mightily to play fast--the Anderson piece is so difficult for me--I can't play all the notes and the tone falls apart.  Fact is, I'm still very much a beginner, and am playing pieces beyond my ability.  I am determined, so I stick with it to an extent, but after a certain number of repetitions, my fingers rebel.  And they do ache.  It feels like my ring finger (L hand) is starting to lock up--hopefully you can't get trigger finger there.  And my right middle finger, where I just had the cortisone shot to alleviate the trigger finger, is still swollen at the base and aches.

I knew I'd hit a plateau--all I can do is keep trying.  I have reversed the order of practice so I play some easy duets first (after I do the chromatic and major scales), then exercises from the Eck book (very difficult, because the sixteenths are supposed to be really fast) and then the pieces from the Anderson collection.  Not sure if that's the best way, to leave the hardest for last, but then I don't get discouraged until the 2nd hour.

reslience

It occurred to me that what I want for him is resilience.  I used to pray (and still do) that nothing bad will happen to him; what I really want is for some good things to happen.  But bad things will happen; or good things won't happen.  No guarantee that things will work out.  So he needs to be tough and strong--resilient.  Not sure how one gains that, if it's not somehow innate--some people just seem to be stronger and tougher than others.  This is not a world for the fragile.  Those who are fragile need to protect themselves as best they can--avoiding obvious risks, staying close to home figuratively if not actually.  Not how I chose to lead my early life, even though I have fragile elements--I sought out new situations and environments to help me feel more independent.  Maybe more than I should have--I focused much more on doing things than forging and fostering relationships.  So now at this stage of my life I'm trying to stay closer to home, even though I'm still taking risks--like switching from being a full-time executive to part-time yoga instructor.  But I am going slowly with the yoga teaching; I've had my teaching certificate for 1 1/2 years and only now am teaching on a regular basis, 2 times a week.  I'd like to teach one more class each week, especially since the specialized Saturday teaching isn't viable in the long run.  But I'm trying not to jump into anything; seeing what opportunities come my way.  And I'm still hoping for some consulting work, but not counting on it.

I don't know where my resilience comes from.  I know the only way to help him develop resilience is to step back, to step away.  To not lean in.

unsubscribe

I'm trying to be less focused on buying/having new things, but temptations abound.  In the newspapers, magazines, emails.  I finally unsubscribed to Groupon and Living Social--bombarded with stuff I don't want.  I signed up hoping I could get some yoga class bargains, but recently the only studios that have advertised are not convenient (so much for focusing only on businesses in my county).  I was so sick of those daily emails for junk--glad to clean that out.

But even when I think about doing more for myself--more house cleaning for example, the WSJ has an article about all the products one should have at hand.  And the newest edition of Real Simple--which I almost bought--had a cover story focused on must-have cleaning products.  I just cleaned my granite countertop and ceramic cooktop with soap and water--works really well.  And all those cleaning products have fumes.

The NYT had an article today about how marketers encourage people to seek the perfect home environment--change/upgrade/update until it's perfect.  But then the article noted that it's unrealistic to expect a house to be everything.  It told the story of a designer who, when a homeowner said he wanted to have a house that would change his life, the designer said it sounded like what he needed was a divorce.  OK, I'm paraphrasing, but the gist is happiness won't come from having a spotless, perfectly decorated house.  But it doesn't keep me from second-guessing my decision not to buy stainless steel appliances, or wanting a new sofa that's neutral instead of red/gold busy, or wanting a new deck that's made out of synthetics instead of warping wood.  Etc.  Not to mention wanting a new car.

I want...

I'm trying to curb my propensity for wanting things, and then buying them...I was going to hold out and wait for the paperback of Bring Up the Bodies to come out in May...even though I've finished Wolf Hall and would have nearly a 2 month gap before the paperback would be available.  And I wanted to buy JJ Gormley's (Etchells) DVD, Yoga for Every Body, because they run the DVD at the senior center when I'm not available to teach yoga.  The two are related because I was going to buy them from Amazon, and I can't get the free shipping on the DVD unless I also buy the book (so the total is over $25).  So I told myself I was going to wait until May to buy both,when the paperback would be available.  But tonight I mentioned to my husband that I had finished Wolf Hall and would have to find another book to read until Bring Up the Bodies is available is paperback.  But he said I should go ahead and get the hard back.  It's funny--he never wants to spend money on anything, but encourages me to go for it--sometimes.  That pushed me over the edge.  I just went on Amazon and bought both--but if I'd waited, the two wouldn't have added up to $25, so I would have paid over $4 in shipping, so I saved the shipping costs but paid $5 more for the hardback vs paperback.  So I'm sort of even?

Buying the car, on the other hand, has not gone smoothly.  He encouraged me to test drive cars, since I don't like my Honda Accord--not comfortable.  I test drove the Chevy Equinox, Buick Encore, Ford Escape, Infiniti EX, BMW 1 SUV.  I really liked the Ford Escape, and would like to buy it.  But he seems to have changed my mind, and I feel guilty wanting it, since we don't need a new car--even though the Toyota Avalon my son is driving is 14 years old. It still runs, and we keep putting thousands of dollars into it, but he sees that as more cost-effective than buying a new car and selling/donating the Avalon.  So I have car dealers calling me and I avoid them.  Although I have no problem telling the other dealers I'm not interested.  But I really like the new Ford Escape.  And I like the idea that I'd be one of the few people in my neighborhood who doesn't have a Honda CRV, Toyota Rav4, Acura, Lexus, Mercedes, BMW...

can't put it down

I'm not an avid reader--never was.  My brother could read book after book; my Mom read constantly until her eyes started failing.  But I've gone through months, years, when I haven't picked up a book.  Reading epapers and surfing the net don't count.  I was determined to read Moby Dick, so I started it last spring--agony.  The only time I made inroads was when we flew to Hawaii, and I had hours with nothing else to do.  I finally finished just a week ago, when we were on our ski vacation, and I stayed in one day when my son was sick.  I felt like the whale did me in as much as the crew.

I had bought Wolf Hall some moths ago (I go on book buying spurts), but wouldn't start reading it until I had slogged through the tale of the whale.  So I finally started reading it this week, and COULDN'T PUT IT DOWN.  I have one more chapter to go, which I'll likely finish tonight.  I was disappointed to find that the sequel, Bring Up the Bodies, isn't available in paperback until May.  I don't know what I'll read until then--I have a couple of yoga books I started and put down.  Books I should read.  So I'm not sure I can hold out until May.  Even though I'm trying not to be so impulsive when I want something.  But only certain books appeal to me, and when they do, I can't wait to find out what happens.  And I don't know what to do when I've finished--I miss the characters.  That was true of Jane Austen.  With Wolf Hall, I'm fascinated by Cramner's brilliance; how people know what to say and do and hedge their bets--or be several steps ahead of everyone.  I was never a chess player.

Purely physical

When I decided to focus on teaching yoga and learning to play the flute as major endeavors, it didn't occur to me that these could get harder to do as I age.  I didn't realize that trying to learn the flute would be hard on my jaw, neck, and hands.  But then I didn't realize I had arthritis--just noticed the bumps on my fingers but didn't feel anything.  Now I'm starting to feel them.  My thumbs ache, and I'm starting to develop trigger finger in my right hand.  After not playing the flute for 10 days--the longest I had interrupted my playing since I started taking lessons over a year ago--I really felt it yesterday and last night.  I woke up some time during the night and realized I couldn't unbend my right middle finger.  From having had trigger finger on my left hand, I knew to massage my hand at the base of my finger, and it opened up.  I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to get a steroid shot--hopefully that will work, and I won't have to have surgery like I did on my left hand.

The flute actually seems more physically challenging than yoga, I guess because it's still new.  And the yoga I teach is for seniors and persons with physical impairments, so I'm not trying to do Vinyasas.  But I'm not doing as much "regular" yoga as I should--I feel conflicted about taking classes where I learned to teach.  Like if my tree is wobbly, people will wonder how I can teach. Or wonder why someone who teaches needs to take classes.  I just don't get as much out of yoga when I do it at home.  Or like today, when the time has slipped by (can't stop reading Wolf Hall) and I haven't gotten to it yet.  And I have to go to a meeting tonight, so I'll do some yoga while watching TV.  Not exactly mindful, but I don't like watching TV without doing something else at the same time.

all thumbs

I know, I know.  A few days went by and I didn't write; then it became more and more difficult to open my blog and write.  I would think "I should write that down" and didn't.  Days became weeks, maybe months.  So we'll see if I can make this again a daily habit.  Rather than fill in the blanks, I'll just go from here.  Normally I would be practicing my flute at this time (mid-afternoon), but I sprained my thumb in a minor skiing mishap, and want to wait another day before trying to play the flute again.  I had a premonition that I would injure a finger or fingers--something I never worried about until I started trying to learn the flute.  Playing is hard on my thumbs, anyway, especially the right thumb.  And especially since I bought my new flute, an Azumi 3000, on Feb. 21st (delivered to my house on Friday, Feb. 22).  It's an open-hole flute, which seems to be all they sell at the intermediate level.  And instead of gradually getting used to the open holes by removing the plugs one at a time, over several weeks, I took them all out right away and tried to play.  Took me about a week to get the hand of it, especially my right hand, but trouble with my right hand fingering became very apparent.  My index and middle fingers splay out away from each other, and my ring finger tends to roll to the side (towards the pinkie), when I try to play faster.  And I'm having trouble figuring out a natural placement for my right thumb, especially since it's curved, possibly as the result of arthritis.

To help train my right fingers, my teacher suggested that I place empty small creamer cups stuffed with cotton in between the fingers.  I've been doing that--although not on scales.  The creamer between the ring and pinky fingers kept falling out when I played scales, so I gave up on that. But I do use them for exercises as well as the short pieces I'm working on.  It does help, especially in keeping the ring finger from rolling out.  But it's difficult, and my in my fingers and up my lower arm ache.

But I haven't practiced in 10 days--8 because we were out of town; the last 2 because of the thumb strain.  I sprained it in a fall on Friday, the last day of skiing (got tangled with a snowboarder coming off the chair lift, and we both fell--I immediately felt pain in my left thumb).  I iced it and kept it elevated, and taped the thumb to the index finger to immobilize it.  So now my right thumb hurts a lot, because I was using it for all the activities that require an opposable thumb.  Lots of activities, as it turns out.  Zippers are especially difficult with just one opposable thumb available--and not the one that's used to taking the lead, since I'm left handed.

Somewhat ironically, I went to a James Galway concert yesterday and attended his master class today in D.C.  The master class did help reinforce to me how much of a beginner I am.  But he did recommend a book of scales/exercises--Moyse's Daily Exercises--that I'll take a look at.  I may wait to buy it until I finish my current exercise book--I'll see what Moyse looks like when I go to my lesson on Friday (in a music store).  I'll see what I can find out about it on Amazon.

Just looked at my thumb, which I now have in a thumb stabilizer (the 3M Futuro).  It works well--I can use the thumb, but it's protected from being bent back, which I think is what happened to cause the sprain.  The thumb is less swollen, but has a pretty big bump on the thumb knuckle.  I had one there already, probably arthritis, but now it's bigger.  I'm hoping that when I try to play tomorrow afternoon, the thumb will be healed enough that I won't make it worse.

I also have to see if I can do a downward facing dog--since I was planning to teach it as part of my Yoga for Seniors class tomorrow.  I may have to modify and do puppy--I'll use it as a teaching tool to show how one can modify a yoga pose due to injury and still get the benefits.