Walking with her

I took the walk that I had been wanting to take, but avoiding until I thought I could handle it.  One of her favorite walks with me, and one we often did in the afternoon--especially when it wasn't too hot or too cold.  A day like today.  So I set out to follow that path, and to try to feel her spirit walking with me.  I could see her as I walked down the long street, and remember my instructions as I tried to get her to "go" near the street instead of on people's lawns.  I saw the spots she liked the best, and could hear myself talking to her.  I didn't always enjoy the walk, because one part is up an increadibly long, steep street.  She would walk up that street very slowly.  I used to think it was because she thought I couldn't go any faster.  Now I think maybe she couldn't go any faster.  That it was getting harder and harder for her to move, and more taxing for her heart, but she didn't want to let us know.  She wanted to keep going; couldn't slow herself down even though it might have prolonged her life.  It's as if she wanted to live a certain way--with lots of energy and, yes, aggression against anything she thought might endanger her family.  So she burned herself out trying.

I sometimes imagine her spirit running free--no leashes, no collars, no fences, no crates.  I'd like to believe that spirits and souls live on.  I'm not sure I believe it, but I'd like to.