Nothing to show for it

I've wanted to play the flute since I was 9.  But we had a clarinet, so I was told I had to play that.  They bought it for my sister, who had stopped playing it, and they weren't about to waste money on another instrument.  Would I have practiced more if I had a flute?  I'll never know.  But I quit the clarinet after a couple of years, and was barely able to practice the piano for 1/2 hour a day.  And then there were the recitals.  At some point during elementary school I developed stage fright, which really has never gone away.  Especially when it comes to music.  And when I can't play something exactly the way I want to; the way it should be played, I get frustrated and give up.  More practice doesn't always help; it just adds to the frustration.

I bought a flute 30 years ago, on a trip to Japan.  A Miramatsu that cost about $400.  I started taking lessons, but traveled so much the teacher gave away my time slot.  On and off since then, I would think about taking lessons, but didn't want to unless I thought I had the time to practice.  I still don't know if I have the perseverance I didn't have when I was younger.

I've been taking lessons for 6 months now, practicing about 1 1/2 hours per day.  Every day, except when I've been away from home.  What's my goal, at my age, for taking up the flute?  I say it's to be good enough to join a community orchestra.  I said I would give myself 2 years to see how I progress.  The problem with playing music is, unless you perform (well) in front of others, you have nothing to show for your efforts.  Not like paintings, or sculptures; even bad ones.  I've played once, in front of people, and got through it, but I was nervous.  Mostly air coming out of the flute, from what I could hear.  Mistakes, but I kept going.   But then I was playing duets, so in essence hiding behind my teacher.  I don't know how it will go the first time I have to play by myself in front of others.  I am practicing more than I've practiced any other instrument except voice, so I'm hoping the repetition, the muscle memory, will help calm the fear.  But the embouchere--it's still a mystery.   The difference between air and a tone is so slight.  And nerves affect it, even when I think I'm not doing anything any differently than when I get a nice warm tone.  Which is rare, but encouraging when it happens.