Yesterday I had my first followup with my dermatologist since my cancer surgery. I saw her in July, which is when she ordered the biopsy on the skin that turned out to be cancerous (melanoma). Because it was melanoma, I have to see her every 3 months for the next 2 years. Unless they find more cancer, in which case the 2 years gets extended. I had my first full-body scan yesterday; she was very thorough, even checking my scalp; it was clear she was following a protocol. Some blotches I thought might be problems weren't, according to her, but two small round spots that were darker than the others looked suspicious to her. One was on my upper chest, the other on my inner thigh. So she removed them and sent them to the lab for biopsy. Is this my new life? More biopsies every 3 months. I hope not.
At least now I have a better idea what to look for--different from what I found on the Internet. The Mayo Clinic website (and I'm sure other sources) refer to ABCDE--asymmetry, border irregularity, color changes, diameter greater than 1/4 inch and evolving--in determining what to look for. I was fixated on the asymmetry, since I have a bunch of splotches that are irregular, including a big splotchy area on my leg. And I read somewhere that women often get melanoma on their legs, so I was especially concerned about that. But the doctor said the splotches on my hand are just part of aging, and the darkish blue splotches on my leg are vein showing through. The two spots she removed were symmetrical, had regular borders (so much for A and B!), and were small (takes care of D). C doesn't apply to the two spots either--they were both uniform in color (May Clinic says look for multiple colors or uneven distribution of colors). As for E (evolving): since I didn't think those small round spots were a problem, I would not have noticed changes. Now I know to look for anything that starts to get darker, since she zeroed in on the only two spots that were darker than every other spot or splotch on my body. Looks to me like the area around my neck and upper chest could be the most vulnerable, since the spots already look a bit darker than those on my arms. Nothing looks as odd or hideous as the Mayo Clinic photos, so I'm not sure how helpful all this guidance is. All I can look for now is change. And not in a good way.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Monday, October 28, 2013
Breathless
I've started working on a new exercise book for my flute lessons--I finished Emil Eck book 2. A milestone--took about a year. Now I'm working on Andersen's 18 Flute Exercises. The second exercise is all staccato and supposed to be light--I'm trying to make sure my diaphragm is moving on each note, so I'm quite tired after playing the exercise just once. But I regroup and repeat 4-5 times, also working on segments where I make mistakes on the notes.
I'm still having much difficulty with dynamics-finding a full sound, and playing loud on low notes. The current short piece I'm working on, Godard's Allegretto, has a lot of crescendos and decrescendos, and a fairly full range (from low C to 3rd octave A. Seems the more I practice, the more difficult it gets. But I think that's because i'm focusing more on the dynamics, not just on playing the correct notes. I have to take the piece in segments, to work on the dynamics. But I also notice I make mistakes with the notes--as if my brain can't do a cresendo and play the correct notes at the same time. It's somewhat of a retraining, since I don't focus as much on dynamics when I'm first learning a piece. And the difference between my "p" and "f" is pretty slim--especially on the low notes. And it's tough to play soft in the 3rd register. But I stuck with it today, and spent quite a bit of time on specific segments, trying to get the appropriate dynamic contrasts.
I played flute duets with my teacher last week; I felt more comfortable and less nervous than the previous times we've done duets. And I like to think my sound carries a bit better now. Maybe. But we're still playing during a church dinner, so it's very loud in the room and not clear what people are able to hear. That's a big reason I feel comfortable, though--no one's really paying attention to what I'm doing.
I'm still having much difficulty with dynamics-finding a full sound, and playing loud on low notes. The current short piece I'm working on, Godard's Allegretto, has a lot of crescendos and decrescendos, and a fairly full range (from low C to 3rd octave A. Seems the more I practice, the more difficult it gets. But I think that's because i'm focusing more on the dynamics, not just on playing the correct notes. I have to take the piece in segments, to work on the dynamics. But I also notice I make mistakes with the notes--as if my brain can't do a cresendo and play the correct notes at the same time. It's somewhat of a retraining, since I don't focus as much on dynamics when I'm first learning a piece. And the difference between my "p" and "f" is pretty slim--especially on the low notes. And it's tough to play soft in the 3rd register. But I stuck with it today, and spent quite a bit of time on specific segments, trying to get the appropriate dynamic contrasts.
I played flute duets with my teacher last week; I felt more comfortable and less nervous than the previous times we've done duets. And I like to think my sound carries a bit better now. Maybe. But we're still playing during a church dinner, so it's very loud in the room and not clear what people are able to hear. That's a big reason I feel comfortable, though--no one's really paying attention to what I'm doing.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Don't Remind Me
I glanced through an article in today's WSJ about Linda Thompson (the singer). When asked how old she felt (OK, the question was "what age do you think of yourself")--who asks that, anyway? I've never seen an older man asked that question. Anyway, she answered sometimes she feels 66 (her age); sometimes she feels 86. She adds "...I can barely walk some mornings..."
I guess I was hoping I wouldn't feel my age--would look it if I looked in the mirror, but otherwise would feel no different physically than I did 10 or 20 years ago. But age is taking its toll. I seemed to have reinjured a muscle I pulled, or tore, 3 years ago. One of my right quad muscles. But this time (or maybe unrelatedly) my right hip also hurts. And one morning my foot ached, and I couldn't walk on it for a while. Back to the hip: if I sit too long, my right hip hurts quite a bit when I try to get up. Like it's stiffened up. I can feel it starting to stiffen now, so I'll change positions. But it seems like I have to keep moving. Funny how my hip doesn't hurt when I move. But then my quad does.
I don't like being reminded that I'm getting older.
I guess I was hoping I wouldn't feel my age--would look it if I looked in the mirror, but otherwise would feel no different physically than I did 10 or 20 years ago. But age is taking its toll. I seemed to have reinjured a muscle I pulled, or tore, 3 years ago. One of my right quad muscles. But this time (or maybe unrelatedly) my right hip also hurts. And one morning my foot ached, and I couldn't walk on it for a while. Back to the hip: if I sit too long, my right hip hurts quite a bit when I try to get up. Like it's stiffened up. I can feel it starting to stiffen now, so I'll change positions. But it seems like I have to keep moving. Funny how my hip doesn't hurt when I move. But then my quad does.
I don't like being reminded that I'm getting older.
Friday, October 11, 2013
There's a Pill for That
I was going to whine again about my gray hairs starting to show--especially along the forehead line and my part line. I have to go through the hassle of figuring out which product to use--I'll probably go with Clairol's Root Touch Up, because it's less toxic (but also less effective) than L'Oreal's Root Rescue.
Now L'Oreal is saying it may have a pill to prevent gray hair on the market by 2015; something they've been working on for more than a decade. Not clear whether it can turn already-gray hair back to its natural color, or whether it will be for people who haven't yet started to get gray hair. Hopefully the former.
See, those of us who are dragging our feet to slow the circles down (from Joni Mitchell's The Circle Game, one of my favorite songs) are in many ways a large untapped consumer market. The market needs to spend more time focusing on what we want--to look and feel young.
Speaking of not making products with us in mind, I just ordered another pair of jeans on line, to avoid having to try them on. I bought a pair of NYDJ jeans from Nordstrom; I have two pairs already, so I know how they'll fit. Not as well as Cambios, but OK. You need to belt to hold the waist up, though. And I mean to keep the "waist" from sliding down the hips. I bought short jeans, which I'm hoping is the new term for ankle jeans, so when they slide down they won't be too long.
I just couldn't bring myself to buy Cambios on line; it's been too long since I bought mine, and there were too many options to choose from. A few departments stores (Saks and Nieman Marcus) seem to have a few pairs, but not in my size. There's a website called Naturals-inc.com that sells Cambio, but I've never heard of that company and didn't want to take the risk. I tried going to the Cambio website, but it's "under construction". And Cambio's Facebook page wasn't helpful.
Actually, the jeans issue has nothing to do with age; if anything, I'm thinner than I was 10 years ago. But I have a small waist and a deep arch in my back (lordosis, or swayback), and waists are always too big for me. That is, the ones attached to legs that will fit over my butt. I'm so used to clothes not fitting very well--sometimes I have them altered, sometimes I just live with it. I never wear shirts tucked in; it just doesn't look good. But I'm not going to take jeans to a tailor--too expensive and challenging--so I live with the gap at the back and wear tops that will hide the gap.
Someone could make a lot of money if they made jeans that fit...
Now L'Oreal is saying it may have a pill to prevent gray hair on the market by 2015; something they've been working on for more than a decade. Not clear whether it can turn already-gray hair back to its natural color, or whether it will be for people who haven't yet started to get gray hair. Hopefully the former.
See, those of us who are dragging our feet to slow the circles down (from Joni Mitchell's The Circle Game, one of my favorite songs) are in many ways a large untapped consumer market. The market needs to spend more time focusing on what we want--to look and feel young.
Speaking of not making products with us in mind, I just ordered another pair of jeans on line, to avoid having to try them on. I bought a pair of NYDJ jeans from Nordstrom; I have two pairs already, so I know how they'll fit. Not as well as Cambios, but OK. You need to belt to hold the waist up, though. And I mean to keep the "waist" from sliding down the hips. I bought short jeans, which I'm hoping is the new term for ankle jeans, so when they slide down they won't be too long.
I just couldn't bring myself to buy Cambios on line; it's been too long since I bought mine, and there were too many options to choose from. A few departments stores (Saks and Nieman Marcus) seem to have a few pairs, but not in my size. There's a website called Naturals-inc.com that sells Cambio, but I've never heard of that company and didn't want to take the risk. I tried going to the Cambio website, but it's "under construction". And Cambio's Facebook page wasn't helpful.
Actually, the jeans issue has nothing to do with age; if anything, I'm thinner than I was 10 years ago. But I have a small waist and a deep arch in my back (lordosis, or swayback), and waists are always too big for me. That is, the ones attached to legs that will fit over my butt. I'm so used to clothes not fitting very well--sometimes I have them altered, sometimes I just live with it. I never wear shirts tucked in; it just doesn't look good. But I'm not going to take jeans to a tailor--too expensive and challenging--so I live with the gap at the back and wear tops that will hide the gap.
Someone could make a lot of money if they made jeans that fit...
Thursday, October 10, 2013
When A Dog Stops Eating
I read a sad story in today's paper about a family's 13-year old Lab, who clearly was moving toward death. Writing to a pet advice columnist, the owner says "six weeks ago, she walked away from her...food for the first time." The dog has deteriorated since then, but the family has been unable to take the painful step of putting the dog down.
It's been nearly a year since our beloved Raven died--Oct. 13, 2012. She was about 12 and a half years old. We're not exactly sure, because she was a stray. She was running loose in a local park, and was taken to the animal shelter on May 1st, 2000. The shelter estimated she was about 3 months old. So we celebrated her birthday on Feb 1st each year. We saw her that first day, but had to wait a week to adopt her--the policy for strays, in case the owner showed up. She had no collar; the shelter said there was a 50-50 chance at best an owner would show up under those circumstances.
My husband said he noticed that she had been eating less for some months; I hadn't noticed that. But ever since we left her at the vets for a week when we went to the beach in August, she was having more difficulty getting in and out of her crate. On the Monday before she died (Columbus Day), she didn't go to her food dish at all, and we knew something was terribly wrong. She let me hand-feed her a bit, but she didn't move from her crate. She was always so feisty and energetic. We managed to get her into the vet that day, and he gave her a cortisone shot. My husband said optimistically that the last time the vet gave her a shot, she perked up right away.
But she didn't perk up right away--she didn't touch her food the next morning, and I went to work worried. I even wondered if she'd still be alive when I got home. I had helped her set up her own Facebook page, and I deleted it that morning. So I wouldn't have to do that after she died. I also researched what to do if your dog dies at home. And I left work early, because I couldn't concentrate.
When I got home, her bowl was still filled with food; she hadn't left the crate. I burst into tears; I somehow knew she was nearing the end; that this time she wouldn't bounce back. On Wednesday, she was a bit better; by that afternoon she even wanted to go for a walk. So we briefly thought she was on the mend. I even ordered an especially long ramp for her to use to go outside without having to use the steps. But then she declined again, and by Friday turned her head away when I tried to hand-feed her. Somehow she knew she was nearing the end, and would no longer need the nutrition.
We were planning to take her to the vet the next day, Saturday, if she wasn't doing better. The one time she perked up on Friday was when the mailman came--she rallied for her customary run to the door with terrorizing bark. She never did get used to that guy coming to our door. But after that, she never moved. Later that evening, my husband carried her outside so she could "go". She sat on the grass and stared straight ahead. She loved to sit on our lawn. We would stay with her, because our yard isn't fenced in. So she spent her last evening with her beloved family, on her beloved lawn.
She spared us the difficult decision the Lab owner may have to make. Some time after my husband and I went to bed, Raven drew her last breath. I truly think she waited until after we had left; she didn't want us to see her die. But she knew she was loved.
It's been nearly a year since our beloved Raven died--Oct. 13, 2012. She was about 12 and a half years old. We're not exactly sure, because she was a stray. She was running loose in a local park, and was taken to the animal shelter on May 1st, 2000. The shelter estimated she was about 3 months old. So we celebrated her birthday on Feb 1st each year. We saw her that first day, but had to wait a week to adopt her--the policy for strays, in case the owner showed up. She had no collar; the shelter said there was a 50-50 chance at best an owner would show up under those circumstances.
My husband said he noticed that she had been eating less for some months; I hadn't noticed that. But ever since we left her at the vets for a week when we went to the beach in August, she was having more difficulty getting in and out of her crate. On the Monday before she died (Columbus Day), she didn't go to her food dish at all, and we knew something was terribly wrong. She let me hand-feed her a bit, but she didn't move from her crate. She was always so feisty and energetic. We managed to get her into the vet that day, and he gave her a cortisone shot. My husband said optimistically that the last time the vet gave her a shot, she perked up right away.
But she didn't perk up right away--she didn't touch her food the next morning, and I went to work worried. I even wondered if she'd still be alive when I got home. I had helped her set up her own Facebook page, and I deleted it that morning. So I wouldn't have to do that after she died. I also researched what to do if your dog dies at home. And I left work early, because I couldn't concentrate.
When I got home, her bowl was still filled with food; she hadn't left the crate. I burst into tears; I somehow knew she was nearing the end; that this time she wouldn't bounce back. On Wednesday, she was a bit better; by that afternoon she even wanted to go for a walk. So we briefly thought she was on the mend. I even ordered an especially long ramp for her to use to go outside without having to use the steps. But then she declined again, and by Friday turned her head away when I tried to hand-feed her. Somehow she knew she was nearing the end, and would no longer need the nutrition.
We were planning to take her to the vet the next day, Saturday, if she wasn't doing better. The one time she perked up on Friday was when the mailman came--she rallied for her customary run to the door with terrorizing bark. She never did get used to that guy coming to our door. But after that, she never moved. Later that evening, my husband carried her outside so she could "go". She sat on the grass and stared straight ahead. She loved to sit on our lawn. We would stay with her, because our yard isn't fenced in. So she spent her last evening with her beloved family, on her beloved lawn.
She spared us the difficult decision the Lab owner may have to make. Some time after my husband and I went to bed, Raven drew her last breath. I truly think she waited until after we had left; she didn't want us to see her die. But she knew she was loved.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Yet Another Attempt At Finding Jeans That Fit
I hate trying on jeans--worse, much worse, than trying on bathing suits. Because at least with bathing suits, I know which ones not to even attempt. And I've finally figured out that even though I'm a size 4 (or 2 or 0 with size deflation), I need to buy a size 8 suit or it will be way too short (we're talking one-pieces, since I've never looked good in two-pieces).
But with jeans, I can't figure out the sizing (24?26?28?30?) and if the jeans are big enough to fit over my butt they will be about 5 inches too big at the waist and be hip jeans whether they're supposed to be or not.
The only pair of jeans I've ever owned that really fit well were a pair of Cambio jeans I bought several years ago at Nordstrom. They were not cheap--around $200, which was (and is) quite a splurge. I remember another woman was trying on a pair and also thought they were great. They're stretchy and soft and ACTUALLY FIT AT THE WAIST AND THE BUTT!!!!!!!!! They're made in Italy and are a size 6 (0r 36, 10, 38 depending on the country), so one size larger than I normally wear, but they're great. I only bought one pair because they were so pricey, and I don't wear them much because I don't want them to wear out. Because they can't be replaced. Nordstrom no longer sells Cambio; some company called Naturals sells them on line, but I've never heard of them and wouldn't know which style to buy. Amazon also has some, but same issue--I wouldn't know which style is comparable to the one I bought.
I made the mistake of buying two pairs of Levis a couple of years ago. My son and husband were buying jeans, so I decided to buy some, but was so confused by the array I didn't try that many on before deciding on a certain style. Called Demi Curve Straight Leg size 27. Smaller sizes wouldn't go past my hips; these would. But the waist doesn't stay up without a belt; they become hip-huggers, and have a gap in back so either have to wear a really long top or wear a belt and ruin the silhouette. (I never tuck in my shirts; I'm too thin on top and my waist is too narrow relative to my hips.) So I hardly ever wear them. And they weren't cheap; not $200, but not $20 either.
I have a couple of old pairs of LLBean jeans that I wear--the waist fits and stays in place without a belt. But they're kind of baggy in the legs and don't feel stylish. And I've used them so much for gardening that the knees are wearing out--also not a stylish look. Fine for home, but not out.
So I decided to try a new style of LLBean jeans, called "TruShape Denim Slim Leg Ankle Pant". Size 4, the smallest size they have. The waist is actually an inch smaller than on their other jeans, so I thought I'd give them a shot. I know it's a gamble buying without trying on, but I tried on the Levis and still made a mistake.
The LLBean jeans fit fairly well, although not as snugly as I had hoped. And the waist does slide down slightly, which is why I bought ankle pants--I figured they'd end up falling longer on me. I'm washing them now in the hopes that they'll shrink. But I won't have to wear a belt to keep the waist up.
A word about NYDJ jeans--they're pretty good, although I figured the name meant New York something something, not "Not Your Daughter's Jeans". Didn't seem quite as stylish once I found out what the name stood for. I bought a size 2 (O would not have fit through the hips) and the waist is too big. So my ankle pants are regular-length, and the waist sits on my hips--and I wear a belt. But I like them better than the Levis and I do wear them. Love the colors (bright green and bright red).
But with jeans, I can't figure out the sizing (24?26?28?30?) and if the jeans are big enough to fit over my butt they will be about 5 inches too big at the waist and be hip jeans whether they're supposed to be or not.
The only pair of jeans I've ever owned that really fit well were a pair of Cambio jeans I bought several years ago at Nordstrom. They were not cheap--around $200, which was (and is) quite a splurge. I remember another woman was trying on a pair and also thought they were great. They're stretchy and soft and ACTUALLY FIT AT THE WAIST AND THE BUTT!!!!!!!!! They're made in Italy and are a size 6 (0r 36, 10, 38 depending on the country), so one size larger than I normally wear, but they're great. I only bought one pair because they were so pricey, and I don't wear them much because I don't want them to wear out. Because they can't be replaced. Nordstrom no longer sells Cambio; some company called Naturals sells them on line, but I've never heard of them and wouldn't know which style to buy. Amazon also has some, but same issue--I wouldn't know which style is comparable to the one I bought.
I made the mistake of buying two pairs of Levis a couple of years ago. My son and husband were buying jeans, so I decided to buy some, but was so confused by the array I didn't try that many on before deciding on a certain style. Called Demi Curve Straight Leg size 27. Smaller sizes wouldn't go past my hips; these would. But the waist doesn't stay up without a belt; they become hip-huggers, and have a gap in back so either have to wear a really long top or wear a belt and ruin the silhouette. (I never tuck in my shirts; I'm too thin on top and my waist is too narrow relative to my hips.) So I hardly ever wear them. And they weren't cheap; not $200, but not $20 either.
I have a couple of old pairs of LLBean jeans that I wear--the waist fits and stays in place without a belt. But they're kind of baggy in the legs and don't feel stylish. And I've used them so much for gardening that the knees are wearing out--also not a stylish look. Fine for home, but not out.
So I decided to try a new style of LLBean jeans, called "TruShape Denim Slim Leg Ankle Pant". Size 4, the smallest size they have. The waist is actually an inch smaller than on their other jeans, so I thought I'd give them a shot. I know it's a gamble buying without trying on, but I tried on the Levis and still made a mistake.
The LLBean jeans fit fairly well, although not as snugly as I had hoped. And the waist does slide down slightly, which is why I bought ankle pants--I figured they'd end up falling longer on me. I'm washing them now in the hopes that they'll shrink. But I won't have to wear a belt to keep the waist up.
A word about NYDJ jeans--they're pretty good, although I figured the name meant New York something something, not "Not Your Daughter's Jeans". Didn't seem quite as stylish once I found out what the name stood for. I bought a size 2 (O would not have fit through the hips) and the waist is too big. So my ankle pants are regular-length, and the waist sits on my hips--and I wear a belt. But I like them better than the Levis and I do wear them. Love the colors (bright green and bright red).
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Taking Stock
I have a difficult time being comfortable with my choices. I went to a luncheon the other day, with others who had retired from the same organization I worked for--and most everyone seemed to have landed consulting work. I haven't figured out how to get into that network, but am also conflicted about trying. I tell myself I'm earning money also, but I know I'm not taking much in as a senior yoga instructor. It's about one step up from volunteer work. One person actually laughed (in disbelief, I think) when I said I was teaching yoga.
I wish I didn't care what others think. But it's at least as much that I'm questioning my choices--maybe other choices would be better. But now I have time to teach four yoga classes each week, practice my flute 2 hours a day, vocalize, write, exercise...I think it would be easier to take a different path if I weren't living in the same town where I worked. And here, everyone is defined by how they make a living. And teaching yoga isn't exactly making a living.
One person at the luncheon said she might know of some work leads for me; I will follow up. But then the conflict--if I do land consulting work, I may not be able to continue teaching senior (daytime) yoga. What I'd really like is part-time consulting work, where I could apply some of my professional knowledge but still have time for teaching yoga and practicing music. I'll see where the leads lead me.
I wish I didn't care what others think. But it's at least as much that I'm questioning my choices--maybe other choices would be better. But now I have time to teach four yoga classes each week, practice my flute 2 hours a day, vocalize, write, exercise...I think it would be easier to take a different path if I weren't living in the same town where I worked. And here, everyone is defined by how they make a living. And teaching yoga isn't exactly making a living.
One person at the luncheon said she might know of some work leads for me; I will follow up. But then the conflict--if I do land consulting work, I may not be able to continue teaching senior (daytime) yoga. What I'd really like is part-time consulting work, where I could apply some of my professional knowledge but still have time for teaching yoga and practicing music. I'll see where the leads lead me.
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