Speed

Yesterday was the first time while playing the Quantz Presto that my fingers felt light.  I tend to grip the flute when I'm sight reading, and when I'm trying to learn and practice difficult passages, especially ones with lots of 16th notes in a row.  Lightening up makes it easier to move the fingers on and off the keys.  My teacher tells me to keep my fingers close to the keys.  That helps, but it's not the whole picture.  If the fingers are heavy and gripping, they will be difficult to move on and off the keys quickly, even if they stay close.  (One flute teacher refers to this as the "death grip"--so I'm not the only one with this issue.)

I have struggled especially with a passage that has the following 16th notes (2nd octave):  F#, D, C#, D, A, G, F#, E, F#, D, C#, D...Moving quickly from D, where 7 fingers are on keys (plus the right thumb that's always on the flute) to C#, with one finger (plus the right thumb), back to 7--twice with one measure in between--has been especially difficult.  Especially the second time. It's hard to keep the flute from rolling, moving so many fingers on and off with the right thumb, base of the left index finger, and chin being the only three fulcrum points balancing the flute (according to Michael DeBost).

Yesterday I felt like my fingers barely touched the flute when they moved on and off--making it easier to keep the flute steady.  When I grip or press, it almost feels like the flute is rocking back and forth--which it probably is.

I don't yet know how to start out with a light touch--yesterday came after weeks of sometimes-agonizing practice.  At last night's flute choir rehearsal, I felt the tension and gripping as I sight-read my way through several pieces.  Everyone else there has many years of flute experience, although some haven't played in quite a while.  So I was nervous.  And when I'm nervous, I grip.

Conflicts

I woke up in a sweat this morning, but no headache.  I don't know if the sweating is related to the healing process.  It's not something I've experienced in quite a while, so perhaps my body is reacting to the stitches or the itching or raw pain.  As the day went on, I felt more pain in my cheekbone, and my cheek area has some bumps on it.  I've been putting Vaseline on the site to keep the wound moist, but that may be causing breakouts.

Two of my new worlds collided today--I had signed up some months ago to teach yoga outdoors at a local waterfront pavillion four times between May and October.  I'm supposed to teach tonight.  But since I signed up to teach, my county has started a new flute choir, which I've signed up for--and the first rehearsal is tonight from 7-9pm.  So I've had this dilemma--do I forego getting paid $60 for one hour of teaching, or miss my first flute choir rehearsal--a program I helped get started, by the way.  I tried to switch yoga teaching days with someone, because the classes are on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  No one was able to switch.  I checked the forecast about 10 days ago and it looked like it was going to rain today.  Last Friday I decided to give the yoga class to someone else, so I wouldn't miss flute choir.  I'm not feeling that perky, with the scar and rawness--teaching seniors I'm familiar with is more comfortable.  The outdoor yoga can have 80+ people attending, and I don't know any of them.

It's pouring right now--if they haven't canceled tonight's class they probably should have.  When I taught in early September, some rain had come through around this time of day, but the weather was beautiful by 7pm.  But if I were teaching tonight, and they hadn't canceled (they make the decision by 4pm), I'd be driving right now with nighttime-looking skies, thunder and rain.  So I don't feel quite as guilty about not teaching and not making some money.

I hope enough people have signed up for flute choir to make it a viable performing group.  I'll find out in a few hours.

Scarface

I've been waking up with a headache; I don't know if it's the red wine (which I'm drinking for the resveratrol, not to mention the apigenin) or the scar.  I've been trying to think of words to describe how my cheek feels--like it's been scraped (which I think it has been); pulled (the stitches?) and cut.  It feels raw and itchy, and numb to the touch.  But it also stings when I try to cover it with makeup, so the coverup isn't going well.  Even after vaseline (not a coverup, but supposed to be good for scars), Cerave with 50 SPF, a concealer and some foundation, the bright red color gets slightly less bright.  But then the coverups slide off and the bright red patch and jagged scar near the edge of my mouth remain.

So far I haven't felt that self-conscious about going out, but I don't go out all that much.  Especially now that the heat and humidity have returned.  I'm thinking of doing a small amount of shopping--to Barnes and Noble and to the Loft.  I do feel wounded, and I'm wondering if I should cover my cheek with Band-Aid to keep the sun off.  Do I really need to wear a hat to walk half a block or less?  And then what do I do with a big hat while I'm in the store?  The hat does have strings, so I could wear it on my back like a cowgirl.  Better than losing it.  Or maybe I'll take it with me in the car and wear it only if I can't get a parking spot near the stores.  Anyway, I need to go to the bank to deposit the check from my yoga teaching.  And it's not too far from the shops.  It's just getting harder and harder to park close to the stores.  And it's hot and sunny.

You can only learn so much from a book

I'm having trouble with crescendos when playing my flute, especially when I'm also trying to play fast. The Quantz Presto is very difficult for me, because some of the passages that require playing several measures of 16th notes also require a crescendo at the same time.  I don't think my problem is breath control; I think it's not knowing how to aim (direct) the air.  From years of singing and taking voice lessons, I know how to breathe--but when I try to play loud on the flute I can hear the air dissipating.  My teacher doesn't seem to be able to help with embouchure issues--when I talked to her about my difficulty with crescendos--and making ff sound different than pp in general--she talks about breath support.

I've looked on the Internet, and see some discussions as well as suggestions for books to read.  But I know from some of my difficulties with singing that books can only teach so much.  Beyond some level of understanding of breathing mechanisms and throat openings, you just have to feel it.  And figure it out for yourself.

One Internet video is actually pretty funny--inadvertently.  It's entitled "How to Play Forte Piano on the Flute" posted by expertvillage.  The description says "learn to play loud and soft on the flute from a professional flutist..."  All she does is play one line of "Faith of our Fathers" and you can barely tell the difference in dynamics.  Not to mention that her tone sounds quite thin and amateurish.  She does note that to play louder, the air has to move faster--that's consistent with what I'm reading.  But that alone won't help with properly directing the sound.

I attended a master class conducted by Sir James Galway recently, and he noted that the flute's dynamic range is pretty limited--and also pointed out that when performing, you can't play too softly or the audience won't hear you.  So that adds to the challenge.

I've made the decision on the Quantz piece to play it more slowly than it's supposed to be played (supposed to be quarter note=108; I'm playing it at 84), so I can work on focus and dynamics.  I can't play faster this point without many of the 16ths sounding unfocused and airy (if I play them correctly at all).  Too many variables (tempo, dynamics) for my ability level.

I'm fighting the urge to buy books that discuss dynamics--but I did just print out Jen Cluff's discussion about dynamics.  One suggestion is to direct the air downward (using the upper lip); I'll try that.  She recommends Moyse's De La Sonorite for its discussion on "fullness of tone" and also Roger Mather's three-book series The Art of Playing the Flute.  For now I will resist the urge to buy them...

Recurrences

I explained to a friend over dinner last night that the bandages on my face were the result of recent skin cancer surgery.  I said it was the bad cancer--melanoma.  Then she proceeded to tell me she had three or four (I lost count, I was so stunned) cancers removed, including melanoma on her back (not clear if she had a second cancer on her back) a squamous skin cancer from her face, and recently another cancer near the bridge of her nose.  The dermatologist simply said "that's cancer" and removed it in the office.  In fact, her dermatologist--the same one I go to--has removed all of my friend's skin cancers.

Her first skin cancer was melanoma, on her back, which she said was several years ago.  She saw the dermatologist every 6 months for about 5 years. I explained that I have to go every 3 months; I'm not sure why I'm going more frequently.  Is it because my melanoma was on my face, or have the skin cancer treatment protocols changed?  And why did I go to a skin cancer surgeon to have the melanoma removed--again, was it because it was melanoma on my face, or the size, or what?

I was surprised at how matter-of-fact she was about the skin cancers, especially the melanomas, and the fact that she has had recurrences, including one very recently.  But she has a lot on her mind--other physical issues as well as personal ones--so maybe she has a different perspective on this than I do.  My focus may be oversized.

I put sunscreen and makeup on the scar for the first time--the scar consists of small gashes at each end and a big red splotch (with no visible cut line) in the middle area.  The bottom gash is too wide for the makeup to cover, so it sits there, open.  I wonder if it just never healed together very well, because it was the area that kept getting wet (when I ate) and I had trouble keep the bandage closed at that end.

I feel a slight gripping, a clutching on my cheek--maybe from the inner stitches, or from the skin trying to stretch, or  both.  But I also felt a gripping, a clutching, on my lower left shin as I was taking my walk this morning.  Near the bluish/purple/red area that now looks ominous to me.

What Are the Odds?

Now that the melanoma in situ has been removed from my cheek, I've been researching the likelihood that I'll get melanoma again.  The research suggests that I'm at some risk, but the percentage seems fairly small.  One source (which I now can't find on the Internet), indicated the risk of a recurrence is 7-9 percent.  Yesterday's Wall Street Journal had an article about skin cancer; it cites a melanoma recurrence rate of 1 in 20 (5 percent) patients 10 or more years after treatment.  Not clear what that means--whether it includes all the intervening years as well, or whether those are additional percentages.  One source on the Internet simply said people who've had melanoma are at increased risk of getting it again, but that the percentage is unknown.  So who knows?

The three Steri-Strips that were holding my stitch line together have all fallen off.  I have about a 1-1/4 inch gash on my cheek--it's prominent at the ends, especially at the lower end near my lip where the line is curvy and jagged; the middle, where the cancer was,  looks raw, but I don't see a cut line.  Who knows what the surgeon did.  He said it wasn't a problem if the Steri Strips came off before Friday; I hope not.  I'm covering the area with Vaseline to be safe; guess I'll wash that area tonight for the first time in nearly 3 weeks.  I'll wait until Friday to use sunscreen or makeup on it, to be safe.  I'll cover the jagged edge when I go out tomorrow.  My cheek feels raw, and hurts a bit; the interior stitches will take a few months to dissolve, so they may be part of what I'm feeling.  If I push my tongue into my cheek I can feel a pulling and a soreness.  Guess I should be careful with that--not sure if it's possible to damage the inner stitches.

Flute playing is getting a little better--yesterday was rough; it didn't seem like I could make a clean tone on any note, and I was having a hard time with the third octave--especially high C and C# (the beginning of the fourth octave), which are the highest notes I've learned to play.  I was blowing much harder than I should have to, and getting nothing but air.  Today I was able to direct the air better, and got tone with much less effort.  Maybe my facial muscles are getting the hang of playing again.

That one day...

One Sunday about 2 years ago, I started working in our yard--I think I was going to just fix a few of the  rocks I had used as edging along the side curb.  I'm pretty sure I wasn't wearing a hat, and it was hot and sunny.  I didn't plan to do much.  But I got carried away, and ended up digging up and resetting every rock along the side (several yards).  I've done the same with weeding--pulled up a weed with my bare hands, because I saw it as I was walking or looking and couldn't resist.  But then I would keep at it--weeding without gloves--and more than once discovered too late that poison ivy was growing under the weeds.  I'm horribly allergic to poison ivy, but that's a different story.  And I've never seen any poison ivy at our new house.

I believe I spent several hours in the sun, redoing the rock edging.  I noticed soon after that I had developed grooves at the left corner of my lips--and they have gotten deeper since.  Not very far from where the melanoma developed.  So I'm thinking I may have done enough damage to the left side of my face that day to hasten the aging of my lips and cause the melanoma.

Maybe I'm lucky with my bout of melanoma in situ--now I can't do my spur of the moment yard work, as much as I enjoy it.  I'll have to prepare and cover up each time I go out--and consider the appropriate time of day (early morning is preferable).  But then I had already become more careful about pruning, to avoid further straining hands already taxed by my flute playing.

I don't like having to be cautious and careful--but at least I still have that option.