Faster and faster

I'm trying to play the J.J. Quantz Presto (of Arioso and Presto) up to speed, which is quarter note=108.  That's extremely fast, and perhaps faster than I'm able to play.  The sixteenth note runs, that is.  After some weeks of taking it at a tempo that felt comfortable, I'm now pressing ahead with the speed, which is very difficult for me.  I can't play with the metronome going--I get too flustered when I can't keep up--but listen to it before I start to try to set the pace as close to that as I can get.  I lose focus and get distracted easily, and now the words melanoma and cancer run through my head a lot.  And I look at all the spots on my skin--I have so many.  I used to worry about them turning into age spots; now I wonder if they're going to develop into melanoma.  I read that the most common place for melanoma is women is on the leg (for men it's on the back).  I see a large splotch on my left leg, along the shinbone, and it seems to turn ominous before my eyes.  And my hands--I have red splotches; will they start to turn malignant?  Do I just watch spots and splotches turn into cancer, or is there a way to arrest their possible development?  Is whatever is currently on my skin already programmed to whatever it will become, or can I influence the future now that I know that melanoma in situ is a precursor for invasive melanoma?  Is the Trojan Horse already in place?

Wracking my brain

I'm staring at the plants and can't remember their name.  And my husband had just mentioned them a few hours earlier.  Hostas, that's it.  I have trouble retrieving names of other trees and shrubs around our yard--the magnolia; the crape myrtle.  Is this natural aging, or something worse?  I've started looking in the yard and repeating the names so I can remember them.  Yet I was watching a movie the other night, heard a voice I recognized, and realized it was Hugh Beaumont, who played Beaver's father.  Why do some obscure pieces of information come readily, while I struggle for others?  Especially labels for things.  I have to work at remember people's names, but that's a longer-standing issue.  I'm much better at remembering voices than faces.  But naming objects seems like it may be getting more difficult.  Guess I should monitor and observe.

The (little?) C

Melanoma in situ.  One very scary word; one very good phrase.  I had just read that some cancer doctors are recommending declassifying some "in situ" breast cancers so they are no longer considered to be cancer.  So when the physician's assistant said "melanoma in situ"  I knew the "in situ" was a good thing.  "In situ" means "in position" in Latin; in the context of skin cancer, it means the malignant cells are only on the outer surface of the skin (epidermis).  There is no invasion of the deeper layers, according to info on Cancerconnect.com, so essentially no potential for spread.  But it's still melanoma--"a very different and more dangerous kind of skin cancer" than basal cell or squamous cell carcinomas. Melanoma is much less common than the other types of skin cancer, but far more deadly, accounting for 75 percent of deaths from skin cancer (according to Wikipedia).  And a diagnosis of melanoma in situ is believed to be a precursor for invasive melanoma.  And I knew it was the bad skin cancer because my husband's nephew's mother-in-law has melanoma.  I mistakenly thought it was the "good" skin cancer, but no, it's the "bad" one that spreads.

The Call

I was practicing the flute in the basement when I heard the phone ring; the caller ID gave the name of our dermatologist.  My son had an appointment with her scheduled for later that afternoon (Wed.), so I assumed they were calling with a last-minute change.  But then it turned out the call was for me.  I was expecting results back from the biopsy, but this was a few days earlier than expected.  And they were calling me--I knew that was likely not a good sign; if there had been nothing, they would have waited for me to call them.  The physician's assistant was very professional--it can't be easy to call someone knowing you have to tell them over the phone that they have cancer.  She paused, asked for my birth date to confirm my identity, then said something like "I have some information I need to give you".  I heard the words melanoma in situ--the bad and the good.  She emphasized the good news of "in situ" (which as I note above I had read about recently so was able to absorb the info a bit better).  She gave me the name of the doctor and surgery center I should call--no immediate need, but surgery should be done soon.  I called the surgery center as soon as I got off the phone; the first available surgery time with the recommended doctor is 2 weeks from today.  The day before our weeklong trip to Va Beach.  The scheduler said I should stay local for a week after the surgery; I mentioned the beach trip and she said as long as I could get back home within 3 hours in case of an emergency it was OK.  It's longer than 3 hours, but I didn't want to postpone the surgery, so I said getting back in 3 hours was no problem (yes it is, there's no way it's a 3-hour trip; more like 5).

I went back to practicing my flute--I hate interrupting my practice because the flute gets cold and my embouchure seems to lose something and it's harder to play.  I felt queasy and could feel my heart beating faster.  But the queasiness could stem from the fact that I was sitting on the basement carpet while I was on the phone, and was inhaling the fumes from cat and dog pee and all the chemicals I've applied to the carpet trying to get rid of the cat and dog pee.  Or maybe it was the words "melanoma in situ".

Clairol Root Touch-Up vs L'Oreal Root Rescue

Unlike the woman in today's NYT Style section, I am not ready to go grey--or white.  I'm fighting, rather than embracing, aging.  But I also don't like having my hair dyed, so I've started trying root touch-up products (after months of resisting them).  I wrote in early May about L'Oreal's Root Rescue--excellent results, but very toxic product.   As good as the results were, I'm afraid to try Root Rescue again--the smell lingered for hours, and my scalp itched for weeks.  I'd say the results lasted about 6 weeks--which seems pretty good.  I waited a few weeks until I got up the nerve to try another root touch up.

Yesterday morning I tried Clairol's Root Touch-Up.  The main plusses are that it didn't stink and my scalp doesn't itch.  It clearly is milder, because the instructions didn't even say to keep the gloves on when you washed out the product--and they said you didn't need to shampoo.  (But "feel free to use your daily conditioner".)  But the results aren't as good--I can still see some grey (white?).  The dark blonde color seems fine; blends well with the rest of my hair.

Root Touch-Up is much messier to work with than Root Rescue--you have to mix the ingredients in a small plastic bin; of course, the stuff spilled over the edges onto the sink counter while I was trying to "mix thoroughly".  And I found the brush it comes with difficult to work with--it was hard to keep the goop from getting on other parts of my hair besides the roots, and from there to my face.

The last time I had my hair dyed in a salon was March 4th--less than 3 months ago and I've already done two root touch-ups.  I think the next time my roots start showing, I'll go to the salon--because I see whitish hair near the ends of my hair, where root touch ups aren't designed to work.  And I just don't have the nerve to color my hair myself--I've seen too many weird results from home colorings.

Too bad there isn't a product with the convenience and results of Root Rescue without the toxicity.  But then it's probably the strong ingredients that make it work.  Reminds me of when I asked my doctor why there wasn't a product that was as effective as valium but not addictive--and she explained that the ingredient that makes valium effective (diazepam) is also what makes it addictive.

I love my Escape

I had been researching new cars for over a year--decided that what I should try was a small crossover (CUV).  Something that would fit in our garage (rules out a lot of cars and most CUV/SUVs), but offer the convenience of an open, flat storage area.  For my yoga bins as well as mulch/topsoil/plants.  I did not enjoy driving our '09 Honda Accord--uncomfortable, and quite a step down from our '89 Toyota Avalon.  But I figured I would take the new car and have my son drive the old one.  Why do some Japanese cars, including the Honda, have headrests that tilt forward?  Incredibly uncomfortable, no matter where you position it.  And the leather on the seats felt stiff and cheap--again, the Avalon was so much more comfortable, with neutral (straighter) headrests.

My idea was that I'd drive the Accord for a few years, then we'd get rid of the Avalon and my son would get the Accord--a very nice starter car, but not a good "encore" purchase.  But we tend to hang on to cars until the bitter end--despite my arguments that we sink thousands of dollars into cars that aren't worth it.  So the most likely car-buying scenario was that some "final straw" engine problem would befall the Avalon--which meant we'd either need to get a car right away, or deal with the hassle and expense of renting a car.  Or worse, buy a car without doing enough research and exploring.

I relied very heavily on Edmunds for my research, combined with the "best car" lists from U.S. News and World Reports.  I had used Consumer Reports when I made the decision to buy the Honda--but after doing a lot of research from multiple sources, I realized that CR only cares about cost and MPG.  CR seems to have no interest in comfort/luxury or engine power--two things that are a must for this family.  (I go for comfort; my husband insists on powerful engines and is still bemoaning the loss of the V8.  I've had to gently break the news to him that V6s are on their way out.)  I also mentioned to my husband recently that I thought CR had a bias against domestic car manufacturers--he said that had been the rap against CR for a number of years.

If we had needed a car last year, the Chevy Equinox would have been at the top of my list.  I never went out and test drove that or the other top options (including VW Tiguan and Infiniti EX), because I didn't want to deal with car sales people when I couldn't tell them if or when I planned to buy a car.
I redid my research to consider '13 models, and saw that the newly redesigned Ford Escape was getting rave reviews and topped the U.S. News best small SUV list.  The Chevy Equinox was also high on the U.S. News list; the Infiniti EX topped the U.S. News best luxury small SUV list.  And they all would fit in our garage--that requirement ruled out all Lexus, Acura, and Audi, which otherwise get good reviews.  The Honda CRV and Toyota RAV4 were non-starters--engines not powerful enough.

In March I finally decided it was time to move from Internet research to the real world--so I test drove the Chevy Equinox, Buick Encore, Ford Escape, Infinit EX and BMW 1.  I first test drove the Equinox, which has the most powerful engine of the lot--but was disappointed in the feel and comfort.  The sales person suggested I try the new Buick Encore.  Wonderfully upscale and comfortable--if I were using it as family room furniture, it would be great.  But it has a weak engine, so it was out.

I then test-drove the Escape and loved it--the seats felt really comfortable; the interior had cool high-tech features, and it drove really well.  I had to tell the sales person I was interested, but needed to test drive a couple other cars.  I didn't mention that our Avalon hadn't yet entirely bitten the dust, so wasn't sure when we'd actually need a new car.  He asked which other cars I was planning to test drive, and I said the Infiniti and BMW.  I'm guessing I may be the first person who didn't say CRV and RAV4.  But I do think the Escape should be compared to the luxury CUVs when considering price, not the cheap, weak engine ones.  I thought the Infiniti was really stiff--and I would have had to pay at least $10k more than the Escape for comparable features.  And don't get me started on the BMW.  Incredibly condescending sales person, with a CRV that was too small, tires that have to be replaced every time you drive over a nail...and a sales pitch that focuses on "how much can you afford to spend a month" as a price negotiator.  Do people have any idea what they're really paying for a car when they purchase those lease agreements?

About a month after my test drives, I got the call I'd been waiting for--the Avalon engine was shaking when my son drove it, and the interior was smoking up.  My husband told him to open a window--I told them my son needed to stop driving the car immediately and drive the Accord (I was out of town). As soon as I got home, we went to the Ford dealer and test drove the Escape again.  Two days later, after going back and forth on the features and packages, I drove off--very happily--with my black Ford Escape Titanum.  I actually try to think of places to drive now (I walk a lot of places).  Just so I can stand (OK, sit) above the crowd and try out all the cool technology.  I'm glad, for once, I bought "the works".

They Made Me Laugh

I sometimes imagine being a guest programmer on TCM, being asked to pick out movies that were meaningful in my life.  My childhood movie memories are mostly about movies that made me cry--and I cried easily.  The one I remember sobbing over more than any other was the Dog of Flanders--I remember nothing about the movie, except that someone beat a dog, and I sobbed and sobbed.  I haven't had the nerve to see the movie again.  Bambi's mother dying; Old Yeller being shot.  I rented Dumbo to watch with my nephew when he was about 5 and I was about 35; I burst into tears when they took Dumbo's mother away and chained her.  Perhaps the Wizard of Oz was my favorite movie; they showed it every year.  It mostly reminded me that we must have been the last people to get color TV, because Oz was a colorless as Kansas, and we didn't have to bother trying to adjust the set.  Judy Garland singing Over the Rainbow--it's a poignant, sad song that resonated with me more than any other song.  Because I wanted to fly away.  And even when I was in high school, I had to leave the room during the part with the flying monkeys--I still find them creepy and scary.

But the movies that mean the most to me are the ones that make me laugh.  I was a freshman at the University of Michigan, battling depression and anxiety--sometimes I would walk across the Diag doubled over in pain--not sure from what.  I had a binge eating disorder before it had a name.  In an era before cable TV, videos and DVDs, there were film guilds and series--one of my friends suggested we go.  They would show movies in the evening in various auditoriums around campus, and would attract long lines of students interested in film and looking for a diversion.  I saw many of the most famous movies for the first time--Casablanca, the Seventh Seal,  Key Largo, Sunset Boulevard.  The most memorable line from Casablanca--the one that got laughs and applause--was "...there are certain sections of New York, Major, I wouldn't advise you to try to invade..."  (After Michigan and Ohio, the largest number of students came from New York--many from NYC and suburbs.)

 But the movies  I remember most--that saved me, I believe--were the ones that made me laugh.  I had never seen a Marx Brothers movie, or a Charlie Chaplin film.  I had heard of Charlie Chaplin, but didn't really get why the Tramp was so well known.  I knew who Groucho Marx was, from You Bet Your Life, but for some reason the popular movie trio when I was growing up was the Three Stooges.  I didn't like, and didn't watch, their movies.  They never showed a Marx Brother movie on TV that I know of.  The first one I saw at Michigan wasn't even one of their best--it was called the Big Store.  But I laughed, and fell in love with Harpo.  I though the curly hair was real, and blonde--found out later it was a red wig, and was crushed when I learned he was bald.  I saw the Gold Rush, with some hilarious visuals, and the later Chaplin movies--Modern Times, the Great Dictator, City Lights.  And of course I went to every Marx Brother movie they showed--the Coconuts, Horse Feathers, A Day at the Races, Duck Soup, Animal Crackers.  But my favorite was a Night at the Opera--I couldn't catch my breath after the stateroom scene, I was laughing so hard.

I also discovered Alec Guinness and the Ealing comedies.  I knew who he was, from Bridge on the River Kwai, but had no idea he had done a series of brilliant comedies.  The Man in the White Suit was the first one I saw; it was a revelation--and hysterically funny in parts. I saw it on TCM some years back and it didn't seem quite as funny. But then again, I didn't laugh as hard at the stateroom scene when I saw years later--a lot of the humor was in the surprise.  My favorite Alec Guinness movie is Kind Hearts and Coronets--I didn't see that at Michigan, but on TCM--I wish they would show it again. It would be on my list, if I'm invited to guest host...

Of course, there are other movies that I count among my favorites--anything with William Holden (I love his voice);  Hitchcock's Shadow of a Doubt (Joseph Cotten and Teresa Wright are also favorites--I love their voices); the Wizard of Oz, and, yes, Casablanca.  And there have been other movies since college that have made me laugh.  But the ones I saw in college, when I was struggling, mattered most, and meant the most.  They may have saved my life.

Root Rescue

I finally got up the nerve to try a root touch-up product.  I'm trying to save money (and time) by not coloring my hair too often; also likely not good for the hair.  But my hair grows quickly, and after 8 weeks there was a pretty wide grow-out at my part--with a not insignificant amount of grey hair.  I don't think it's that noticeable, because my hair puffs up around the part, but if I hold the hair down it's very visible.  And it's probably more noticeable when I bend forward.  And there's a lot of grey hair around my temples and front roots, where my forehead meets my hairline--those are visible when I wear a headband, which I do for yoga and exercise classes.

I had bought a Clairol root touch-up product a while back, but ended up throwing it away--I was worried that the colors wouldn't match, or I'd end up with some new sort of line along my part.  Recently I looked again and settled on L'Oreal's Root Rescue, since my hair salon uses L'Oreal coloring products.  I tried it this morning--not as messy as coloring used to be, apparently, but still requires combining liquids from two smelly vials.  Or the fumes develop once you add the Color Gel to the Conditioning Developer Creme.  I wish they would invent a root color product that didn't require mixing.  But obviously whatever they're currently using is highly volatile, because the instructions say "never leave the flat cap on the Conditioning Developer Creme Bottle after mixing.  The container may burst".  !!!  And don't even think about saving the left over stuff--there's much more than one could possibly use on the limited amount of root area that's accessible:  "do not save any unused mixture.  The container may burst."  So there--we have exploding hair color.

I'm glad I didn't read the "test this before you try it" instructions before I used the product--quite scary.  I assumed it would say to test it on a small patch of hair, wait. etc.  I didn't want to bother.  But I did read the "usage advisory" afterwards, since I do have sensitive skin and could easily have a reaction.  Root Rescue's instructions tell you to mix 1 1/2 parts Conditioning Developer Creme with 1 part Color Gel (like that's easy to figure out--and what if you get the combo wrong?) and then apply the mixture with a cotton ball to an area the size of a quarter in the bend of your elbow.  Which you're supposed to cleanse with soap and water before you mix the two ingredients.  Then you're not supposed to wash, cover or disturb (bolded on instructions) for 48 hours. !!!  And during those 48 hours, you're supposed to examine periodically the "test area"over the 48-hour period, and consult with a doctor if you experience any reactions--such as redness, burning, itching, swelling, skin abrasions, eruptions or irritation in or around the test area.  And it says to do this test each time before you use the product, even if you had no reaction the last time you used it.

I've only ever had one allergic reaction that landed me in the hospital--when the reaction started to affect my breathing and my tongue swelled up.  So now I'm imagining that my tongue is feeling weird. I can also smell the stuff, even though I've washed it out and shampooed my hair.  So now I imagine the poisons seeping through my scalp into my system.

All that said, the color looks really, really good--matches perfectly with the rest of my hair color, and did a good job of coloring greys.  But most of all, the grow-out along my part is gone.

But this may be the only time I have the nerve to use it, given the skin allergy test instructions.

And I still smell toxic...