Sandwiched

I don't write on the blog about some family issues, to protect others' privacy.  Suffice it to say I'm caught in the sandwich--with a mom who's declining and a family member who's quite ill.  My mom's situation is I'm sure, common to a lot of people.  The court took away her driver's license this past spring as a result of a bizarre auto incident (we'll probably never know what happened--her and the police's versions are vastly different).  None of us kids live anywhere near her, so it's been a struggle to figure out what to do.  Fortunately, we have a cousin who lives in the same town and has been willing to take my mom out at least a few times a week--for groceries, banking, and health club.  My mom thinks that's a fine arrangement and doesn't want to move.  But we all feel guilty having the burden fall on our cousin--that's not a long term solution.  But the alternative--having my mom move to a continuing care retirement community (CCRC) is quite expensive.  Now I know why people want to age at home.  But with my mom's lack of (auto)mobility, the situation is quite difficult.  There don't appear to be transportation options available to her--when I tried to contact the locat (columbus, ohio) agency on agency for transportation information, I got no response.  So we're basically in limbo, trying to figure out what to do.  My brother would like her to move to his city (in Texas), but she doesn't want to move.  And I know she doesn't want to pay for a CCRC--she's quite frugal.

Meanwhile, I worry about another family member's condition and long-term prospects.  And I feel guilty about not making any money, although I'm trying to position myself to do so.  But the voiceover field is quite overwhelming, and I'm trying to avoid spending money on approaches that may not pan out.  Such as the website that posts auditions, but you have to pay to gain access to the audition info.  Comments I've seen on the web suggest that people break even, at best, in paying to get audition info.  And that's from people who have some experience.  But I'm not giving up--I'm just trying to be realistic.

Being reminded of these circumstances makes it hard to stay positive.  My approach has been to try to crowd out negative thoughts--but sometimes they can overwhelm.

Acne Subsides, Trigger Finger Returns

Well, the acne on my chin is subsiding--I tried a number of products out of desperation.  I used Zeno (the Zit Zapper), which I find is good if you have a few large postules.  But for the number I had, it can be tedious--2 1/2 minutes per zit.    Proactiv Repairing Lotion was a bit too strong for me, but did work to reduce the widespread outbreak.  So I switched to using Proactiv's Refining Mask, which is milder than the Repairing Lotion--the active ingredient is sulphur, not benzoyl peroxide.  And I increased the application of Azelex cream from 1x to 2x per day.  I think my dermatologist had me using it once a day because I was using it as an anti-aging, rather than acne, cream.  But with the severe outbreak on my chin, I now am using it as anti-acne.  And since they advise not mixing products, I'm not using the Proactiv Repairing Lotion.  But I will if the acne comes back--it's much more irritating, but more effective, than the Azelex.  But I'm hoping the Azelex will prevent new outbreaks, as long as I stay away from the facial exercises that involved touching/massaging the jaw and chin areas.  I also go lighter on the Cerave moisturizer.  But I still need to use an SPF lotion of at least 30; I don't think that's causing outbreaks, but my face is definitely oilier when I use it.  I'm currently using Blue Lizard 30+ sunscreen for sensitive skin.  It has only natural ingredients--zinc oxide and titanium dioxide--which I think is better for my face.  I don't think it causes breakouts, but we'll see.  I use Lancome Renergie Lift makeup, which is FPS 20--OK I think if I'm not going to be doing much outside.  But sun seems to be such a big contributor to aging that I'm trying to be more careful to use stronger (30+) sunscreens if I'm going to be out--which is most days.  Between walking the dog and walking to yoga, I think that's too much for SPF 20.  Cosmetics companies should come up with 30+ makeup so we don't have to add sunscreens.  Just one more layer on the skin that might cause trouble.  Don't care what they say about noncomedogenic--creams and lotions on the face can lad to oiliness, which can lead to breakouts.

It's such a challenge, trying to slow the skin aging while combating acne...I wonder how many other women in their late 50s have this problem?  Makes anti-aging regimes and strategies so much more complicated.  Trying to be more aggressive--using facial massage techniques and facial oil--apparently led to the acne outbreak.  I had started to think I was past that.  The positive side is that I'm less tempted by fancy new products and procedures--they're more likely to mess up my skin than to help it.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Another aging challenge--trigger finger--reared its ugly head--OK, finger, again.  I had a steroid shot a few months ago (see 3/25 post) when my trigger finger locked up, and I wasn't able to unlock it as I had done previously.  Similar problem today, again the result of our unruly dog.  I was sitting with her on the lawn and was holding her leash--in my right hand, to avoid further damage to my left hand (which has not only the trigger but also a jammed finger).  She tried to lunge at a dog, and I had to grab the leash with both hands to keep her back.  My left middle finger immediately locked and would not unlock.  I recalled my finger being stuck for several hours the first time this happened in March, so I asked my son to check the web for tips on what to do.  Not too helpful--said to unlock the finger with the other hand--but that didn't work in these cases.  I know I need a 2nd steroid shot, but since it's Sunday, I won't be able to get one until tomorrow.  (Everything that should get immediate medical attention always happens on the weekend.)   The few remedies listed were--soak in warm water, take ibuprofen or naproxen, and massage the tendon at the base of the finger.  I did all three--nothing worked, at least not right away.  About 1 1/2 hours later, the finger released on its own.  I was massaging the tendon and had taken 2 Alleves, so maybe those ultimately helped.  But it's a very uncomfortable and scary situation.  I suspect I will need surgery, but will go ahead with the 2nd shot, since that's what the orthopedist will recommend.
Aargh!

Meditating and Meniere's Disease

I'm not sure that meditating right after I get up in the morning is working.  Although I haven't had a vertigo attack in several years, my Meniere's disease does cause other problems.  I have trouble walking when I first get up--I stagger as a result of inner ear problems.  Sitting up in a lotus-like position right after I've gotten out of bed is difficult--this morning I felt a bit queasy.  Also doing this on an empty stomach is tough.  Ever since I developed Meniere's, I've noticed that if I haven't eaten in a while I start to feel dizzy.  While this may be common to others, it makes me nervous, because I'm afraid it's a precursor to a vertigo attack.  The attacks, when I was having them, were brutal--it would take several days for me to recover, and just when I was starting to feel better I would have another attack.   So it's always in the back of my mind that the vertigo attacks could recur.  They disappeared almost as mysteriously as they emerged--which means they could return at any time.

And I didn't feel well for a few hours--could it have been the acupuncture?  Who knows?  I did manage to make it to my fourth yoga class this week.  Seems like that's too much for me.  I think I've developed Downward Dog Shoulder...just like the recent NYT article, which noted that yoga-related injuries were on the rise.

I still haven't turned in my yoga teacher training application--the training is pricey, and I haven't yet broached this topic with my husband.  I worry about spending money, now that I'm not employed.  But then I always felt like we didn't have enough money when I was working.  My pitch will be that one has to spend money to earn money--I need the certificate in order to teach yoga.  I have to say something to him, because the first payment is due next week.

Acupuncture

I had my first (and only?) acupuncture session today, as part of a summer yoga package. I looked up acupuncture on About.com; here's what it says:

According to the NIH Consensus Statement on Acupuncture, there have been many studies on acupuncture's potential usefulness, but results have been mixed because of complexities with study design and size, as well as difficulties with choosing and using placebos or sham acupuncture. However, promising results have emerged, showing efficacy of acupuncture, for example, in adult postoperative and chemotherapy nausea and vomiting and in postoperative dental pain. There are other situations--such as addiction, stroke rehabilitation, headache, menstrual cramps, tennis elbow, fibromyalgia, myofascial pain, osteoarthritis, low-back pain, carpal tunnel syndrome, and asthma--in which acupuncture may be useful as an adjunct treatment or an acceptable alternative or be included in a comprehensive management program.

But the only physical symptom I currently have is a somewhat sore right shoulder/rotator cuff.  The acupuncturist did stick some needles in my shoulder and leave them there, but she mainly did a general condition type of treatment, where she stuck pins in and pulled them out.  She said she selected the pinpoints based on my type, which she said was water.  Not sure what type I am; seems like I exhibit aspects of all 5 elements (wood, earth, metal, fire, water).

I don't think my shoulder feels any better; but then, it didn't hurt that much to begin with.  As for whether I'm more balanced as a result of one treatment--not sure.

I can see using acupuncture for a medical condition that defies other treatments.  Since I have Meniere's disease, I briefly looked for information on Meniere's and acupuncture.  According to some information posted to the Meniere's Disease Help Blog, results are mixed and often short term.  I haven't had a vertigo attack since Dec. '06, so I can't test that out.  I do have hearing loss in my right ear, but it goes in and out--so would be tough to isolate any possible effects from acupuncture.  And while I also have tinnitus (the third Meniere's symptom), I only hear the noise when everything else is quiet.  And that's hardly ever in this world.

At $85 per hour session, this isn't something I can afford.  Especially for a more general "tune up" (they don't call it that).  One does feel the pins, in some locations more than others--I'm getting a bit queasy just writing about it.  So it's not like it felt good, or therapeutic, while I was undergoing the treatment.  In a way I didn't feel like I got my money's worth (although it was part of a package, and thus felt like it was free), because she didn't stick in that many pins.  But I wouldn't have wanted a whole hour of pin-sticking... I'd rather have a massge.

When to Meditate

I'm having trouble meditating every day--as I've had in the past when I've tried to meditate on a daily basis. I find if I don't meditate fairly early in the day, I just don't do it. Doesn't seem like setting aside 20 minutes would be that hard, but it is. Because it means finding a time when there won't be any disruptions, or other things to do.

So I've been trying to figure out when's the best time to meditate. Turning to the web, I found three related posts--one from '09, '07 and '93. The '93 post, written by Jeffrey Chance, was a short primer on meditation ("Meditation FAQ"). Meditating is supposed to get easier over time, and as he puts it, "over time, the number of random thoughts occurring diminishes". Not so for me thus far--I seem to have more thoughts.

According to Chance, "most people agree that early morning is the best time to meditate". But he, and the others who've written about meditation, point out that it can be done any time during the day. Early morning seems to work best because households usually are more peaceful, and daily obligations haven't yet kicked in. He also says it's best to meditate before, rather than after, a meal--but doesn't say why. Other tips: meditate at the same time every day in a quiet spot reserved for meditation, and with a straight spine.

That's another issue for me--I'm getting better at being able to sit cross-legged for 20 minutes, but often one leg goes to sleep, and/or my neck and/or back starts to hurt. Maybe that also will get better over time.

So I guess I'll try meditating first thing in the morning. I'm usually up around 5am...or 5:30...OK, 6 if I forget to set the alarm...but my routine has been to drink coffee and read the papers (WSJ and WaPo). And then have breakfast. And then decide to meditate. Then there were the handful of days where I decided I was going to walk every day at 6;30 (or 7) am...

So if I can discipline myself enough to meditate right after I get up (will violate the rule of meditating in a separate place, because my husband will be watching TV near by normal yoga/meditation spot), then I could still walk before it gets too hot. Unless I decide not to.

All this self-discipline--hard for me to stick with it. As evidenced by my blog. But see, I'm starting to write on a daily basis--right after lunch seems to be a good time.

Not to mention my vocal exercises, which I'm trying to do each day.

It's so much easier when I had a job and had built in obligations. But they often end up being artificial--one feels like one's accomplishing something when the calendar is full, but that may or may not be the case. Now I have to create my own meaning and purpose. And find my voice.

Yoga Instructor Training

I finally filled out my application for a local yoga teacher training program. I'm interested in focusing on yoga as a tool to help reduce stress, anxiety and depression. I'm looking forward to learning more about yoga philosophies and techniques--fits my pattern of always needing to learn something new.

I realized the other day that my areas of focus--yoga, voiceover acting, and singing--all rely on fitness. Not sure whether it's the wisest course of action for someone in her late 50's--with an aging voice and body. i've noticed that I'm feeling more pain and soreness with all the exercise I've been doing, for example. I hope I hold up in my efforts to be gainfully employed in areas that require physical and/or vocal stamina.

So maybe it would have been better if I had pursued these 20 years ago. But then I wouldn't have had the the career (or pension) that I had.

What's with Wheat?

My son's doctor is suggesting that he see a nutritionist--not the first time it's been suggested that diet can affect some of his health issues. The nutritionist is quite expensive--and with a new agey title to her practice (Healing Paths), will we get reimbursed through our health insurance? The doctor suggested that my son stop eating wheat for 7-14 days to see if he feels any different. Not clear what he's supposed to be looking for. And not eating wheat is quite dramatic--no pizza, pasta, quesedillas (guess we can ones made with corn), bread, pancakes...for what? I just read excerpts from a recent study that finds no link between removing gluten from a child's diet at autistic behaviors.

I did make an appointment with the nutritionist, but unless I can determine that we'll get reimbursed, I suspect that we'll bail out...

But I am interested--links well with my interest in yoga, meditation, breathing as natural ways to deal with issues such as depression and anxiety.